Liveblogging A Talking Cat!?!

  • An Introduction (of sorts)

I started watching this movie about two years ago and never finished it because it was, honest to god, one of the worst things I’ve ever seen. Here’s the trailer:

That music playing in the background? Plays basically THE WHOLE TIME. It’s a nightmare. I may try to finish this “film” someday but I don’t know if I can stomach it.

To be honest, I barely even remember what it was about and, after looking through the liveblog I did, I don’t think I knew even when I was watching it. I guess there’s a cat and the cat talks and is voiced by Eric Roberts, brother of Julia Roberts:

eric-Roberts

the face of a man who has lost all hope

I guess the cat can only talk to people once or… something. Who even knows. Since viewing (half of) the movie, I’ve learned that it was, in fact, filmed on a porno set. Seeing as I spotted actual dirty handprints on the wall at one point, I’m not surprised.

Here’s the official IMDB description:

A sassy feline helps a family resolve its problems.

And here’s a summary on IMDB that was voted “most helpful”:

The cat on the movie poster is not the same as the cat in the movie, but otherwise this movie is perfect. I would have given it a perfect 10 stars but I don’t like that the poster shows a cat that is cute and young in an awkward pose but the cat in the movie is never really very awkward and is older, but it is still a cute cat so don’t worry you won’t be subjected to an ugly cat just one that is different from the one in the movie.

Eric Roberts demonstrates a broad range of emotions, from being annoyed by “beeping machines” to seriously loving on some food, but when I rented this movie I was expecting to hear his voice attached to the cat on the poster, and when it was instead a different cat with Eric Roberts’ voice, I felt a little bit thrown off.

Watch this movie a lot of times. Also, I’m working on a poster that is more representative of the cat from the actual movie and when it’s ready I’ll update my review and post it here.

BE WARNED: THE CAT IS CUTE, BUT NOT THE CAT ON THE POSTER!!!?!!!

Screen Shot 2015-09-08 at 2.54.35 PM

you’re right, edibley. That is not the same cat as the cat in the movie. How many lies will you feed us, poster? How much punctuation is too much punctuation? How much money did Julia Roberts refuse to give her brother, thus prompting him to seek revenge by being in this funeral of a movie?

Well, I tried to find out.


  • 9:30 PM, 4/13/2013

okay, so not only is that RIDICULOUS keyboard jazzy times music playing, they are starting out with a fucking inner monologue for the cat

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incidentally, the cat sounds like he either has a speech impediment or took a shitton of vicodin

lord

  • 9:31 PM, 4/13/2013

right now the cat is giving us some great advice about how humas are too concerned by tiny beeping machines and should care more about living

keep in mind: this voiceover sounds like it was recorded in a bathtub circa 1999

  • 9:32 PM, 4/13/2013

new working theory:

this shit WAS recorded in a bathtub where Eric Roberts was tied up and heavily medicated

that’s the only thing that can explain how shitty this sounds and his decision to do it

  • 9:33 PM, 4/13/2013

this cat is literally just rolling around while Eric Roberts drones in the background

I know that cat videos work on youtube

but bro

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it’s not exactly a good business model for an entire movie

  • 9:34 PM, 4/13/2013

AGH THE OPENING CREDITS

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ACID FLASHBACK

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  • 9:36 PM, 4/13/2013

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this is the high point, isn’t it

  • 9:37 PM, 4/13/2013

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I like to imagine that this was the moment all of the actors who were showing this film to their family and friends slowly got up, walked to the television and turned it off, whispering, “let’s never speak of this again”

  • 9:39 PM, 4/13/2013

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poor daniel

  • 9:40 PM, 4/13/2013

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I like to imagine that this was Eric Roberts’ face when he saw the finished product

  • 9:41 PM, 4/13/2013

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I already hate you

  • 9:42 PM, 4/13/2013

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this is honestly one of the most confoundingly ugly and bizarre title sequences I’ve ever seen

it’s like the fever dream of Andy Warhol and that aunt of yours that has 17 cats living in her one-room trailer

it’s like a moving collage created by criminally insane sex offenders

WHY IS THIS

  • 9:43 PM, 4/13/2013

okay, the nightmare is over

the title sequence is done

but the music is still playing, so THANK GOD FOR SMALL MIRACLES

  • 9:45 PM, 4/13/2013

AH

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THEY DRAINED GRIMACE OF HIS PURPLE

  • 9:47 PM, 4/13/2013

nothing says heartthrob like old men with soul patches

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  • 9:49 PM, 4/13/2013

at first I was like “wow, that’s a nice house”

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but then I noticed something

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um

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UMMMMMM

  • 9:51 PM, 4/13/2013

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YUP

IT’S GOT TWO SHOES

  • 9:53 PM, 4/13/2013

I had to turn on subtitles because the audio on this film is garbage

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you… enjoy nightmares?

  • 9:45 PM, 4/13/2013

aw, look at babyface mcgee

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he’s Grimace’s son because sometimes genetics make no sense

  • 9:47 PM, 4/13/2013

so I guess Grimace retired because he sold his entire… company….? and now he wants to do some father/son bonding

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I’m still mystified since this guy looks like he’s at least 60 and the son looks about 17

  • 9:50 PM, 4/13/2013

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ah, remember the good old days of summer reading?

when you were assigned nameless, coverless, non-copyright-infringing books

  • 9:53 PM, 4/13/2013

okay, so now they’re trying to introduce a romantic interest for the boy

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with that age-old porn subplot of tutoring, but holy balls

this kid

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I don’t wanna make judgements based on stereotypes but

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  • 9:55 PM, 4/13/2013

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ah yes, lest we forget the true plot of this movie

  • 9:56 PM, 4/13/2013

okay, seriously

this fucking soundtrack is composed of CASIO FARTS

  • 9:59 PM, 4/13/2013

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“this is kind of awkward since I assumed you were a homosexual but I guess we can have this conversation”

  • 10:00 PM, 4/13/2013

they both JUST SAW a cat leave their house and they were like “WOW WE BOTH SAW A CAT, LET’S GET PIZZA”

who wrote this

  • 10:01 PM, 4/13/2013

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silly house

you don’t need shoes

you’re a house

  • 10:03 PM, 4/13/2013

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I’ll take “things I couldn’t have made up if I tried” for 500, Alex

  • 10:05 PM, 4/13/2013

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I’ve had this argument so many times with my own mother

  • 10:06 PM, 4/13/2013

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this mom is so obsessed with her goddamn shoes that she’s ignoring the obvious sexual tension between her two children

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  • 10:08 PM, 4/13/2013

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GUYS

THE SHOES HAVE BEEN FOUND

I REPEAT

THE SHOES HAVE BEEN FOUND

  • 10:09 PM, 4/13/2013

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jesus chRIST

YES

IT’S A FUCKING CAT

WAS THERE A CAT APOCALYPSE? ARE ALL THE CATS DEAD IN THIS UNIVERSE?! WHY IS EVERYONE SO CONFUSED BY THIS CAT’S EXISTENCE

  • 10:10 PM, 4/13/2013

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that’s the scientific definition of cat, yes

  • 10:12 PM, 4/13/2013

OKAY NO

NO

HOLD THE FUCKING PHONE

YOU CAN TOTALLY SEE A LASER POINTER SHINING ON THE SHOES TO MAKE THE CAT LOOK AT IT

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FUCK YOU, MOVIE

  • 10:16 PM, 4/13/2013

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“Frannie’s a weird name for your boyfriend”

  • 10:20 PM, 4/13/2013

ah, the peeing cherub

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such a great way to class up your place while still keeping your 9-year-old-boy sensibilities

  • 10:22 PM, 4/13/2013

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I’m gonna start a drinking game called “Take A Shot Every Time Someone Observes The Fucking Cat”

the ensuing alcohol poisoning will be sweet release

  • 10:25 PM, 4/13/2013

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okay, so the combination of the cat’s low, grating voice, the fact that the voice sounds a million miles away due to the terrible quality of the audio, the cat’s general expression, and the vagueness of all his statements make everything he says weirdly ominous and creepy

  • 10:26 PM, 4/13/2013

uhg, the cat is creepily getting his ears rubbed by the father guy

I don’t even have a comment for that, I just feel dirty

  • 10:28 PM, 4/13/2013

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I object on the grounds of that door being too tall to be practical!

  • 10:29 PM, 4/13/2013

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aaaaaarrehjlabdgbspdbpaisjdgbaksdg

shots-2

  • 10:33 PM, 4/13/2013

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  • 10:35 PM, 4/13/2013

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women don’t need book smarts

AM I RIGHT FELLAS

  • 10:39 PM, 4/13/2013

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“I almost had to touch a girl”

  • 10:42 PM, 4/13/2013

guys

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she’s talking to the cat but, even though the cat has YET TO SPEAK OUT LOUD, SHE RESPONDS AS IF SHE HEARD WHAT HE SAID

I AM STARTING TO BE OVER THIS FUCKING MOVIE

  • 10:45 PM, 4/13/2013

I have no idea what’s happening in this plot anymore

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yup

it’s about burning waffles and sexually pleasuring a cat

  • 10:46 PM, 4/13/2013

I guess Grimace is talking to the cat now

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the movie’s ORIGINAL tagline

  • 10:47 PM, 4/13/2013

the cat hasn’t talked spoken

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yet he keeps getting asked for advice

  • 10:50 PM, 4/13/2013

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  • 10:57 PM, 4/13/2013

guys, there was literally five minutes of the dad guy just trying to find his son and then the cat

I am going to set this movie on fire

  • 11:01 PM, 4/13/2013

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A+ parenting

  • 11:05 PM, 4/13/2013

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she’s said “I know” at least six times

while I appreciate the commitment to faithfully representing what actual teenagers sound like on the phone, I also want to rip out whatever part of my brain allows me to process human speech

  • 11:08 PM, 4/13/2013

AHHHHHH THEY ANIMATED THE CAT TALKING

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NOPE

THAT HOLE WHERE HIS “MOUTH” IS LOOKS LIKE A GAPING VORTEX INTO THE UNKNOWN

  • 11:10 PM, 4/13/2013

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man experiencing some problems with alcohol, conceptual shot

  • 11:15 PM, 4/13/2013

I need to wash the stink of this movie off of me

  • 11:45 PM, 4/13/2013

guys

I might (to borrow the phrase from Roosterteeth) have to rage quit this movie

I spent the entire time I was in the shower thinking about how I wished the movie was a person so I could punch it in the face

TO BE CONTINUED….?

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