• An Introduction

so my friend gave me a copy of a movie I’ve been wanting to see ever since I first heard of it

it’s a little movie called…

Tiptoes

I know what you’re thinking:

• Matthew McConaughey, Kate Beckinsale, Patricia Arquette, Peter Dinklage, and Gary Oldman were in a movie together?
• Where’s Gary Oldman?
• 
• THAT’S GARY OLDMAN?
• WHY DOES GARY OLDMAN LOOK LIKE THAT
• why does the tagline have arbitrary capitalizations?
• This was a Sundance Film Festival selection??
• What the fuck is on Patricia Arquette’s head?
• 
• and why does she have cornrows?
• and so forth

well, I have some answers… but not many

in this lovely film, Gary Oldman plays a dwarf.

Yes, you read that correctly. Gary Oldman, a man of average stature, plays a dwarf. Let’s look to the back of the DVD for more info

In case you can’t read it, it goes as follows:

“No couple could be more in love than Steven (Matthew McConaughey) and Carol (Kate Beckinsale). But Steven has a little secret he’s been keeping to himself. He has a twin brother (Gary Oldman), who just happens to be a dwarf. In fact, with the exception of Steven, his entire family is made up of little people. So when Carol becomes pregnant and Steven is finally forced to tell her the truth – that their child may also be born a dwarf – Carol decides to have the baby anyway, knowing full well that when it comes to the important things in life, it’s the little ones that truly matter.”

WOW.

I like to imagine this being read dramatically, but with that sort of sickeningly coy wink whenever they use the term “little.”

The DVD itself is also a gem:

it’s like a Mad Max-style lawnmower that was driven straight out of my dreams

Will the cornrows be explained? Will the lawnmower? Why couldn’t they hire an actual dwarf to play a dwarf? Are we really going to spend this whole movie watching Matthew McConaughey try to explain the genetics of dwarfism?

I feel like none of these questions will be answered as I liveblog this inevitable trainwreck

For further preparation, here is the trailer for Tiptoes

take note:

• the whimsical music
• the immediate use of the word midget
• Peter Dinklage as maybe a Frenchman?
• the weird, off-putting digital effects
• Gary Oldman’s terrible accent
• everything
• take note of everything

shit’s about to get real

---

• PRE-WATCHING STATUS:

VLC just committed suicide four times in an effort to not play this movie

a good omen it is not

---

• IT BEGINS – 11:35 PM, 6/23/13

okay, apparently the lawnmower is a race car… motorcycle… thing

uhg

I’m already regretting this decision

• 11:37 PM, 6/23/13

okay, so I get that Kate Beckinsale is probably an artist or whatever in this movie (even though they haven’t bothered to explain anything) but jesus

it’s not necessary to hand paint the world’s ugliest wallpaper, lady

horrible.

• 11:40 PM, 6/23/13

so after the worst dialogue I’ve heard in a long time

(“Don’t you start”

“YOU started it”

“you”

SHOOT ME)

we’ve jumped straight into fellatio

and yes, scumbag McConaughey is checking his watch like a total douche

• 11:45 PM, 6/23/13

Gary Oldman’s first line, everyone:

Gary why

• 11:46 PM, 6/23/13

I’m gonna be giving this movie a lot of shit, but damn if the Dink is not already hardcore bringing it

he’s a French motorcyclist who smokes

is there anything the Dink can’t do

• 11:50 PM, 6/23/13

(future Academy-Award-Winner) Patricia Arquette’s been kicked off a bus for… some reason

incidentally, she looks like the futuristic prostitute sister of the Twins from the Matrix

• 12:00 AM, 6/24/13

DAVID ALLEN GRIER?!

david, no, you’re better than this

• 12:12 AM, 6/24/13

McConaughey was apparently sneaking off to go to a little people convention

consequently, we now have McConaughey’s character’s name courtesy of his dwarf mother:

Egg Salad

• 12:13 AM, 6/24/13

I’m starting to think that Gary Oldman was cast as a dwarf because they employed literally every other dwarf/little person on the planet as an extra

the irony of this banner appearing in this movie is lost on no one

• 12:15 AM, 6/24/13

• 12:16 AM, 6/24/13

this is an actual line that someone wrote, proofread, and then had (future Academy-Award-Winner) Patricia Arquette read aloud:

Official Sundance Film Festival Selection, everyone

• 12:20 AM, 6/24/13

oh my GOD

please shut up forever

• 12:21 AM, 6/24/13

this has been gaz’s face for 90% of his lines so far

it’s almost like being in this movie was painful or something

• 12:30 AM, 6/24/13

McConaughey: So I was thinkin’ in this scene I’d pop of the ole shirt. Just wear some tight-whities, get the ladies goin’.

Director: That really doesn’t add anything to the plot, Matthew.

McConaughey: Does my contract not dictate that I should appear topless at least once every ten minutes?

Director: *sigh* Okay. Pop the shirt off.

McConaughey: Good man.

• 12:31 AM, 6/24/13

okay, so Egg Salad and Mrs Egg Salad are having some sort of late night chat and I’m pretty sure he just took out a retainer

sexy

• 12:35 AM, 6/24/13

oh shit, Mrs Egg Salad just dropped a bomb

and the plot…. well, not exactly “thickens” but has more stuff happen!

• 12:37 AM, 6/24/13

there were just literal crickets after her baby announcement

actual crickets chirping in the background

• 12:40 AM, 6/24/13

like I want this conversation to be over

• 12:45 AM, 6/24/13

I’m becoming convinced the people who wrote this script don’t know how humans talk

• 12:49 AM, 6/24/13

baby…. years….?

WHAT DOES THAT EVEN MEAN

• 12:52 AM, 6/24/13

I’m gonna end up having an entire folder called “Lines from Tiptoes that make no goddamn sense”

• 12:53 AM, 6/24/13

oh Dinklage

take me away

• 12:55 AM, 6/24/13

that’s not a drink, that’s a human rights violation

• 12:57 AM, 6/24/13

I’m too hungover to parse out what the hell this could ever mean

• 1:10 AM, 6/24/13

shit’s getting weird

the Dink and(future Academy-Award-Winner) Patricia Arquette had loud annoying sex and then the Dink got sick and Gary Oldman tried to help him but then instead he left and now he’s at this girl’s apartment who he used to date but now she’s dating this Palestinian guy who might be an asshole and now they might fight even though Gary Oldman has a hump and I don’t know what’s going on anymore

• 1:13 AM, 6/24/13

so the Palestinian guy (???) just beat the shit out of Gary Oldman, a dwarf who uses a cane

I don’t even know what to do with this anymore, guys

• 1:20 AM, 6/24/13

after that brief foray into madness, we’re back to Mr and Mrs Egg Salad’s house

there’s still coffee in that cup

why are you putting your pee stick on a half-full cup of coffee

• 1:22 AM, 6/24/13

Egg Salad’s day job is apparently training firefighters

I don’t think there’s a causal correlation between those two things, man

• 1:23 AM, 6/24/13

education is all about positive reinforcement

• 1:25 AM, 6/24/13

I know Mrs Egg Salad is supposed to be some kind of badass or something (SHE HAS A TATTOO! GASP!) but this outfit looks like what would happen if Victoria’s Secret and Hot Topic had a dumb baby

• 1:26 AM, 6/24/13

DUN DUN DUUUUUUUUUUUUN

GARY OLDMAN AND EGG SALAD ARE TWINS

MRS EGG SALAD DIDN’T KNOW

• 1:30 AM, 6/24/13

that’s a really smooth way to say “your freak dwarf blood doesn’t flow in his veins, right?”

reeeeeeally smooth

• 1:35 AM, 6/24/13

okay, so for real question time:

this guy, Egg Salad, spends time with his family which is entirely made up of little people. He seems totally cool and on good terms with his twin brother who is a dwarf

and yet he’s been dating this chick and is gonna marry her and was like “HAHA LET’S JUST GLOSS OVER WHO MY FAMILY IS AND MAYBE SHE’LL BE SO SELF-INVOLVED THAT SHE NEVER TRIES TO FIND ANYTHING OUT ABOUT MY PERSONAL LIFE”

like siblings never came up before? I feel like “hey I have a twin” would have popped up in the conversation

maybe if he never saw his family and had a bad relationship with them but this is just fucking weird

• 1:38 AM, 6/24/13

great, now we’re back with (future Academy-Award-Winner) Patricia Arquette

I have never wanted to murder-punch another human being so much in my life

• 1:39 AM, 6/24/13

no, you know what? fuck you, movie

fuck you for having that as an actual line and fuck you again for making Peter Dinklage say it

• 1:45 AM, 6/24/13

bing bong

that’s the stupid hat gong

• 1:46 AM, 6/24/13

if you’re so worried about genetics, perhaps we should address whatever inbreeding happened within your family tree to make you think that hat is acceptable to wear in public

it’s like if Beetlejuice wore a victorian nightcap

• 1:47 AM, 6/24/13

“Well then yes, they might be a ‘midget’ but we can’t be sure. But you know what we do know with absolute clarity though? That you’re a TERRIBLE FUCKING PERSON who cares more about dwarf genes then the fact that I NEVER TOLD YOU ANYTHING EVER ABOUT MY ENTIRE FAMILY.”

• 1:48 AM, 6/24/13

“Let’s not start throwing ‘who made a bad decision’ stones because I’m not the one who left the house in that hat.”

• 1:50 AM, 6/24/13

will to…. WHAT?!

Uh, hey douche canoe? She might be a prejudiced idiot in a stupid hat, but some of these concerns she’s bringing up are valid

the “you’re being baby crazy” defense doesn’t wipe the “LYING ABOUT YOUR FAMILY” SLATE CLEAN

• 1:51 AM, 6/24/13

wait

HIS FIREFIGHTING CLASS WAS SITTING THERE THE WHOLE TIME

• 1:53 AM, 6/24/13

I could not physically hate you any harder

• 1:56 AM, 6/24/13

• 2:00 AM, 6/24/13

The Craft called

they want their outfit back

• 2:01 AM, 6/24/13

I guess Gary and Mrs Egg Salad are bonding now or something?

the amount I don’t care is like a palpable energy

• 2:05 AM, 6/24/13

uhhhhhhhhhg

so now they’re going to a party and Kate Beckinsale met some of the other little people in the family and everyone’s dressed like a weirdo and now Egg Salad is bringing a lady firefighter as a date in a strange act of revenge or something

The Dink and (future Academy-Award-Winner) Patricia Arquette are there too

• 2:10 AM, 6/24/13

jesus fucking christ

• 2:11 AM, 6/24/13

what’s sad is that this is the closest this character has ever come to making sense

• 2:13 AM, 6/24/13

i dunno

i think she could use some more accessories

• 2:16 AM, 6/24/13

okay, so Gary Oldman’s ex-girlfriend told Mrs Egg Salad that they dated in high school and this was the following conversation:

• 2:20 AM, 6/24/13

nope

no one talks like that

noooooope

• 2:23 AM, 6/24/13

welp

I can now cross “see David Allen Grier bone a little person” off my bucket list

• 2:30 AM, 6/24/13

“It’s been too damn long since the last pec shot, man.”

“Okay, Matthew. Whatever you say.”

• 2:31 AM, 6/24/13

wow

these people have intense 3 AM conversations

• 2:33 AM, 6/24/13

okay, like, this movie is 1-part PSA on why being a little person sucks with legit, real information and 2-parts slapstick comedy at the expense of little people

on the plus side, no one is afforded any dignity in this movie so, you know

there’s that

• 2:34 AM, 6/24/13

please throw me into the sun

• 2:36 AM, 6/24/13

  

• 2:37 AM, 6/24/13

well, after that conversation they’re going to the Bone Zone

complete with waaaaay too explicit kissing noises

• 2:38 AM, 6/24/13

Thank god the sex scene is over. now to awkwardly meet the parents!

• 2:40 AM, 6/24/13

yeah, a dog collar/halter top combo is the new black

• 2:42 AM, 6/24/13

Kate Beckinsale’s mom apparently was not prepared for the little people thing

I like to imagine that there’s muffled merry-go-round music playing in her head right now

• 2:43 AM, 6/24/13

so I forgot to mention that Egg Salad and Gary Oldman’s dad is the dream guy from Twin Peaks

“That gum you like is going to come back in style”

• 2:45 AM, 6/24/13

okay, I’ve decided the weirdest thing about Gary Oldman’s perplexing dwarf get-up is that they didn’t bother to make his arms proportionate

like they’re still average length

the only way thye counteract this fact is by having him never bend his elbows, thus lending a disquieting, muppet-like look to the whole thing

• 2:47 AM, 6/24/13

well

that just happened

• 2:48 AM, 6/24/13

Kate Beckinsale’s crazy weird fart limerick father is wearing like a futuristic polo with no sleeves overtop another polo

I see the stupid fashion apple doesn’t fall far from the stupid fashion tree

• 2:50 AM, 6/24/13

this phrase comes from a textbook called How To Tell Someone’s About To Be An Asshole 101

• 2:53 AM, 6/24/13

oh

apparently Kate Beckinsale’s parents don’t care about the little person thing and just wanted it to be a jewish wedding

• 2:55 AM, 6/24/13

okay, that last scene barely ended and now this is happening:

I guess when they were discussing the marriage they meant right-the-fuck away

• 2:56 AM, 6/24/13

(future Academy-Award-Winner) Patricia Arquette is back

yay

• 2:57 AM, 6/24/13

good gravy, Egg Salad

you’re not a dementor

stop trying to suck her damn soul out

• 3:00 AM, 6/24/13

WHAT

SHE LITERALLY JUST MARRIED HIS BROTHER

• 3:01 AM, 6/24/13

what the FUCK, MOVIE

• 3:02 AM, 6/24/13

okay, the first part of this movie spanned like a week

and now its like BOOP HERE’S A WEDDING

BOOP HERE’S A BABY

BOOP EVERYONE’S DEAD

BOOP FUCK YOU

• 3:02 AM, 6/24/13

no one’s actually dead, just fyi

I was being hyperbolic

• 3:05 AM, 6/24/13

so I guess the sudden baby is a dwarf and Egg Salad is not dealing with the whole thing too well

• 3:06 AM, 6/24/13

guys

I’m really worried he’s gonna murder this baby

• 3:10 AM, 6/24/13

this movie has taken a DARK turn

• 3:11 AM, 6/24/13

okay any dramatic tension in that scene was broken by McConaughey dramatically yelling “I’M A DWARF!” offscreen

• 3:15 AM, 6/24/13

we cut from that upsetting scene where Egg Salad says he’s leaving to this

• 3:17 AM, 6/24/13

• 3:19 AM, 6/24/13

…………………

I hope I didn’t wake my roommates up when I quietly screamed “WHAT THE FUCK” at my computer

• 3:20 AM, 6/24/13

if by good-looking you mean “has the cold unblinking eyes of a future serial killer” than yes

yes he is

• 3:22 AM, 6/24/13

Dinklage

stop staring at the breastfeeding lady like that

• 3:25 AM, 6/24/13

Well, I guess Kate’s come to live at Casa de Oldman for a while because of… reasons

• 3:26 AM, 6/24/13

why you creepin’, Gary?

• 3:30 AM, 6/24/13

so Gary is now being Father Of The Year and I think they’re falling in love and I also think I am so over this movie that my soul has left my body

• 3:35 AM, 6/24/13

uh oh

douchey mcfamilyabandoner (aka Egg Salad) is back

• 3:40 AM, 6/24/13

Egg Salad wants to talk about Egg Salad Jr

• 3:41 AM, 6/24/13

I never thought I’d say this

but I wish (future Academy-Award-Winner) Patricia Arquette the mentally impaired meth prostitute would come back

• 3:42 AM, 6/24/13

my friend just asked why this movie is called Tiptoes

it’s called tiptoes because dwarfs are short

GET IT

• 3:45 AM, 6/24/13

so I guess Kate Beckinsale chose Gary Oldman over Egg Salad

• 3:46 AM, 6/24/13

end, movie

END

• 3:47 AM, 6/24/13

oh my god

how is this movie still going

why is this happening to me

• 3:56 AM, 6/24/13

YEAH

SAME

• 3:58 AM, 6/24/13

i don’t remember my name anymore or what it’s like to feel love or pain

all that’s ever been and all that ever shall be is tiptoes

tiptoes

tiptoes

• 4:00 AM, 6/24/13

I think I might legitimately be having a mental breakdown

• 4:01 AM, 6/24/13