Liveblogging Kissing Sherlock Holmes (probably NSFW)

WARNING: this post contains text that is sexual in nature but not sexy in the slightest. Also, England gets mocked a lot.

  • An Introduction

I’m not sure when I first heard tell of Kissing Sherlock Holmes but it started gaining some notoriety online as “published fanfiction” and, more specifically, “published slash fanfiction.”

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For those of you not in the know, here is urban dictionary‘s definition of fanfiction:

Fanfiction is when someone takes either the story or characters (or both) of a certain piece of work, whether it be a novel, tv show, movie, etc, and create their own story based on it.

And here is their definition of slash:

Genre of fanfiction involving pairing two male or female characters together; characters are commonly shown with a slash in between

Now you may be asking yourself, “why would Krista frequent areas of the internet where such things are discussed?” The answer to that is: none of your business.

The reason why actual published fanfiction gets noticed online is because it happens so rarely, especially of the slash variety. There’s some fanfiction that has been updated to avoid copyright infringement and published (Fifty Shades of Grey and The Mortal Instruments being notable examples) but it’s very rare that it’s left in its original format.

Luckily for the world, Sherlock Holmes is public domain.

And that means Kissing Sherlock Holmes got published for e-readers.

I decided to liveblog the experience of reading such a book because a) I’m sort of a snob about erotica and b) this book actually made money so, unlike most fanfiction, I think it’s open to critique.

Also, it’s hilarious.

I have yet to finish it because it got a little heavy on the boring plot and a little light on the “Sherlock Holmes and Watson making out” but maybe one day I’ll finish it.


  • THE BEGINNING

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STARTING STRONG RIGHT OUT THE GATE


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Man, this book jumped right from tuberculosis to marriage.

MIGHT THIS BE THE END OF HOLMES AND WATSON?


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How I read this: “I HAVE BEEN WON BY MISS BRITISH MCFUSSYBOTTOMTON OF SHIRETON ABBEY”

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“HER HALF-BROTHER, SIR CRUMPET TEABAGGINGSTON, SUBDUKE OF MONARCHYSHAM”


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I wonder how he’ll do that.

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Ruh roh, troubles a-brewing.

WILL WATSON DEAL WITH HIS DEEP-SEATED HOMOSEXUAL LONGING?

WILL HOLMES PROVE HIS MANLY PROWESS IN THE ARTS OF PHYSICAL LOVE?


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Somebody’s been watching Pretty Woman!


Let the gays begin:

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HE’S GOING TO MAKE HIM MAKE OUT WITH A TREE

I JUST

WHAT

I HAVE TO ADMIT THIS WAS NOT THE DIRECTION I WAS EXPECTING


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Aaaaand there we go.

Honestly, Watson. A tree. Pfft. Stop suggesting dendrophilia or bestiality to your friends and make out with them instead.


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He has such a way with compliments.


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Cannot… make… jokes…

too… many…. innuendos…


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Poor boys with their inconvenient gay panic.


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My face while reading this:

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Hang on

it’s been raining this whole time?!?!


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Sherlock Holmes, you crafty bastard.


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The man brings up a very good, very gay point.


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I am laughing so hard I am crying


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You guys are such dicks


I’ve finished chapter 1

I fear that I may have driven people away by yet again losing my mind.

But don’t forget guys:

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this is just getting silly

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THESE AREN’T REAL NAMES


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Oh, hooray

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First cows, now exotic cats.

What is your deal, bro?


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ribbons of cream

RIBBONS OF CREAM

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I’m going to start a band called Ribbons of Cream now


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OH SHIT SON

METHINKS HOLMESIE IS GONNA SWALLOW

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SOMEONE HOLD ME

I DON’T KNOW HOW TO USE MY LIMBS ANYMORE

I’M ONLY ON PAGE 43

THAT’S 43 OUT OF 255

JESUS TAKE THE GODDAMN WHEEL


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BOOOOOO

LESS CASES, MORE AWKWARD AND STRANGE COUCH SEX WITH ODD DESCRIPTIONS OF EJACULATIONS!


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And by “game” he means “fucking over a poor woman so that he can supposedly solve a case for some reason while getting all her money at the same time”

YOU ARE A BAG OF DICKS, SHERLOCK HOLMES


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SHUT THE FUCK UP

ARE YOU EVEN TRYING ANYMORE

WHAT THE SHIT IS A MARCHIONESS


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WHO IN THE HELL IS LADY SIMPKINS


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how…. violently affectionate


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Oh right, roommates. Because it isn’t as if they are British or Victorian or anything

I’m super American but even I know the British call them flatmates, ya dingus


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The biggest bag of dicks to ever be a bag of dicks


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WELL IT’S ABOUT FUCKING TIME YOU DILLHOLE


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YOU ARE NO LONGER A BAG OF DICKS

YOU ARE A VAT OF DICKS

YOU ARE A RESERVOIR OF DICKS

YOU ARE SIR DICKINGTON OF DICKSHIRE YOU DUKE OF DICKDOM


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After that brief foray into horrifying misogyny, WE’RE BACK TO PORN


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MATING TONGUES

I was going to make a graphic of two tongues boning but then I google image searched “tongue” and now everything inside of me wants to die


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IT’S ALMOST AS IF THEY FORGOT THAT BEING GAY WAS TOTALLY AGAINST THE LAW IN VICTORIAN TIMES AND MADE OUT AGAINST A TREE IN BROAD DAYLIGHT

OH WAIT


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I never thought I, of all people, would ever say this but….

WE FUCKING GET IT

YOU’RE GAY

GOD


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I think “snowy knuckles” might be a medical condition, John.


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I object on the grounds of hyphen abuse


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And thus does the plot advance in a way that makes NO FUCKING SENSE

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it might be my sleep meds kicking in, but this mystery is not so much a “mystery” as it is a “very incoherent track for the porn train to ride on”


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That shit Fae

that shit fae


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I am going to bed

but I just want to let you know that, in the span of less than 24 hours (and in 68 pages), Holmes and Watson have:

  • Planned a fake marriage so that Holmes can get rich and for some reason expose some bad dude for being bad
  • Met people with stupidly British names
  • Almost made out with trees and cows
  • Made out with each other against a tree in front of the cows
  • Fucked three times
  • Went to a fancy dinner party
  • Were sexist jackasses
  • And sort-of-not-really started to solve a case

GUESS WHO DOESN’T HAVE TO WORK TOMORROW

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Last time, in Kissing Sherlock:

  • Some dude rode away on a horse
  • Watson blew Holmes and then there was some random Reichenbach Feels before they quickly went and fucked in the other bed
  • The logic behind this was so that “both beds looked slept in” so as to not arouse the chambermaid’s suspicion
  • I am suspecting that there is a flaw in this logic, given that both beds are LITERALLY SOAKED IN JIZZ
  • I’m sorry did I say jizz
  • I meant “cream”
  • …poor chambermaid

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I don’t think that chest hair should be crispy, John

you are a medical doctor

why are you not concerned


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OH DEAR

NOT THE CASE WE WERE HIRED TO DO

HEAVEN FORBID WE DO THAT


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Stop it, book

Sherlock Holmes does not get mushy


“OH JOHN, WE MUST WRITE ‘CUDDLE TIMES’ IN PERMANENT MARKER ON EVERY TUESDAY OF EVERY WEEK IN EVERY MONTH ON OUR CALENDAR. I SHALL MAKE YOU A SHIRT THAT SAYS ‘KING OF HUGS’ AND MINE SHALL SAY ‘PRINCE OF KISSES’ AND WE SHALL BE CUTER THAN A BARREL FULL OF KITTENS”


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I call foul on TOO MANY FUCKING METAPHORS IN ONE SENTENCE


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“OH BOTHER, THE ROOMS DO EVERSO SMELL OF SEX. PIP PIP AND TALLYHO”


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I’m going to start a tally of how many times Watson goes into painful, almost confusingly exact detail of what Holmes looks like in a particular moment

We’ll say this is time #10, just to be conservative


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That much cream can’t be good for the flowers, you dicks


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OH SHIT

OH SHIT, SON

BUSTED

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WAIT BUT

DUDE

YOU JUST ALL BUT ADMITTED TO HEARING YOUR SISTER’S FIANCE FUCKING ANOTHER DUDE IN THE ROOM RIGHT NEXT TO YOURS

DUUUUUUUDE


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Their pillow talk is weird.


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Aw, Holmsie. I’m sorry I called you the Duke of Dickdom before. You’re just a wounded butterfly, waiting to take flight into a rainbow of gayness.


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I feel so conflicted. Part of me hates them for being like two middle school girls

the other part of me wants to cock my head and go “awwwww”

STOP IT


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Man, it must have been difficult to be a Victorian pauper

What with the inability to use consonants and all


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Jedededidiah


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I know nothing of horses


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Ok, just so everyone realizes what I just realized:

  • Jededidoodah just mentioned that Lord Stepny or Robert or Mr. “I catch my sister’s boo fucking a dude and I just don’t give a shit” felt like someone was like their own son
  • I thought Jediiderp was referring to his own son, the kid who can’t say any consonants
  • In fact, Lord Fuckadoodle feels like Jack is like his own son
  • In case you wondering who Jack is again
  • JACK IS A HORSE
  • JACK THE HORSE IS LIKE HIS SON
  • GODDAMNIT

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HOORAY CASUAL MISOGYNY HAS RETURNED!


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WILL WATSON GET TO HAVE BREAKFAST?

I WANT TO KNOW


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UNLESS IT’S GAY AND YOU’RE SURROUNDED BY COWS YOU MEAN


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On the contrary, Watson

I believe she’d like to see more of that tongue

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…this book is breaking my spirit


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This book should be called “WATSON HEARTS BREAKFAST” instead of “KISSING SHERLOCK HOLMES”

Also, people drink wine in the morning?!


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THIS PLOT IS SO BORING

Also, it’s been like 20 pages and WHERE IS THE GAY SEX

THIS BOOK IS CALLED KISSING SHERLOCK HOLMES

NOT BORING PEOPLE HAVING BORING CONVERSATIONS WHILE EATING THEIR BORING FOOD AND BEING TOO FUCKING BRITISH TO FUNCTION


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FUCK YEAH

UPSTAIRS FOR SOME HOT CREAM ACTION


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“AND I’M LIKE A MERMAID TRYING TO GET TO THE CASE BUT I’M SURROUNDED BY EVEN MORE WATER WHICH IS THIS HOUSE BECAUSE WE LIVE IN IT AND ALL THE PEOPLE LIVING HERE ARE FISH AND YOU’RE ERIC AND I HAVE TO GIVE MY VOICE AWAY TO GET A VAGINA AND…. I lost track of what I was saying.”


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How come every time they’re about to fuck they become “impish”?

I’m going to develop a pavlovian response to that word at this rate


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OH YA DON’T SAY

I WAS STARTING TO QUESTION YOUR FEELINGS ON THE MATTER


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SPIDER HOLMES

SPIDER HOLMES

CLIMBS SOME WALLS

BREAKS INTO HOMES

THEN HIS DOCTOR

HE DOES BONE

WATCH OUT

HERE COMES THE SPIDER HOOOOOOLMES


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i can’t


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So Sherlock stole Lord Horsefather’s journal to see if he’s committing treason or something that doesn’t make sense.

I’m 90% sure all they’re going to discover is that Lord Whatsit is gay.


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No, Sherlock

I’m sure you ACCIDENTALLY STOLE AN ALL-PORN ADDITION OF OUT MAGAZINE BY ACCIDENT


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APPARENTLY THERE WAS WELL-KNOWN PUBLISHED GAY EROTICA IN THE VICTORIAN ERA

GOOD TO KNOW, BOOK


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DUN DUN DUUUUUUN

I would be on pins and needles if I had any fucking idea as to what was going on


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If this doesn’t turn into a threesome, I am going to be SORELY disappointed in these authors.


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The girl is the spy


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well, there’s your fiance

WHO IS OBVIOUSLY THE SPY


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I KNOW THE HORSE IS YOUR SON BUT SHUT UP ABOUT THE FUCKING HORSE


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Why is Holmes so goddamn patriotic?

Why is everyone so obsessed with the horse? The horse is fine

Also: YOUR FUCKING FIANCE IS THE FUCKING SPY


I…. I don’t think I can do this anymore

they’re sitting and talking in a garden again

and

ffffffffuuuuuuuuuuuuuucccccccckkkkkkkkk

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TO BE CONTINUED??????

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