Liveblogging Buffy: Season 1, Episodes 3, 4 & 5

(previously on Buffy)

Episode 3: Witch

  • 7:30 PM, 3/8/13

I’m debating tackling an episode before my shift ends since work is slow and today has been bananas

bad bananas

like the kind of bananas you would only use for banana bread

only you don’t know how to make banana bread

  • 7:31 PM, 3/8/13

after you write banana a few times, it starts to look really stupid

banananananananananananana

  • 7:35 PM, 3/8/13

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less than two minutes in and giles is already uncomfortably leaning into some personal space

I know not joining the cheer-leading squad is serious business, but geez

  • 7:36 PM, 3/8/13

Giles just waxed poetical in an almost aroused way about how cool it is to live on Satan’s Butthole since there’s all these demons and witches and shit

making it weird for everyone

  • 7:37 PM, 3/8/13

omg Buffy’s mom

your daughter is trying to do whatever the daughter equivalent of a pick-up line is

GET A CLUE

  • 7:40 PM, 3/8/13

willow

gurl

thems too many patterns

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  • 7:43 PM, 3/8/13

“You’re like a guy friend who knows about girl stuff!”

– Xander to Willow

hot damn dude, YOU ARE SUPER BLOWING IT

  • 7:45 PM, 3/8/13

Okay, this chick who wants to join the squad has some MAD MOMMY ISSUES

LIKE THERE ARE NORMAN BATES LEVEL ISSUES HAPPENING HERE

  • 7:46 PM, 3/8/13

Buffy, you need to abort this friendship

this is only going to end in stuffed corpses and broken dreams

  • 7:50 PM, 3/8/13

why do all witches love pea soup so much

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  • 7:53 PM, 3/8/13

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AUGH IT’S LILITH

ABORT ABORT ABORT

  • 7:55 PM, 3/8/13

guys, we already know how to see if someone’s a witch

it’s if the weigh the same as a duck

DUH-DOY

  • 8:00 PM, 3/8/13

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IT’S COOL, I SAW THIS HAPPEN IN THE MATRIX

JUST DON’T LET ANYONE PUT ANYTHING IN YOUR BELLYBUTTON

  • 8:03 PM, 3/8/13

oh giles

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of course that’s your car

of course

  • 8:07 PM, 3/8/13

That awkward moment when you find your mom’s sex dungeon

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although I guess that’s a sex attic

  • 8:10 PM, 3/8/13

I hope performing in front of such a huge crowd was worth setting people on fire

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all five of those rows are packed

  • 8:15 PM, 3/8/13

yo buffy, that yellow color is really washing you out

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oh, you’re dying?

…oh

  • 8:17 PM, 3/8/13

Willow, I know you’re trying your best

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but don’t fuck with crazy eyes

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  • 8:20 PM, 3/8/13

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HERE’S MOMMY!

  • 8:23 PM, 3/8/13

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IT’S ANOTHER DEMON

CONTINUE ABORTING

  • 8:28 PM, 3/8/13

too…

much….

NINETIES…

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  • 8:29 PM, 3/8/13

wait, what happened to mom-not-mom?

  • 8:31 PM, 3/8/13

NO, SHOW

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NO

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GO RIGHT TO HELL AND TAKE YOUR NIGHTMARE FUEL WITH YOU


Episode 4: Teacher’s Pet

  • 1:30 AM, 3/9/13

wait, no, hold the fuck on

the principal’s name is Principal Flutey?


I object!

on the grounds of irresponsible silliness

  • 1:33 AM, 3/9/13

you know you’ve seen too much porn when you’re watching a show and a teacher says “can I please see you after class” and you’re surprised when sex doesn’t happen

  • 1:36 AM, 3/9/13

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I like to imagine that this band’s name is Jack 90’s and The Kurt Cobains

  • 1:39 AM, 3/9/13

oh no

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dude, this is a show from the 90’s where people die

you are the only black dude in this club

GET OUTTA THERE

  • 1:45 AM, 3/9/13

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ah, I see Angel graduated from the Edward Cullen School Of Awkwardly Following Teenage Girls Around

  • 1:49 AM, 3/9/13

Xander, baby

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popping a boner in front of your lady friends is mad uncool

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  • 1:53 AM, 3/9/13

Never trust a lady who gets this turned on while talking about praying mantises boning

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  • 1:55 AM, 3/9/13

“Those that can, do. Those that can, LAUGH, at those who… can do.”

– Xander

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  • 2:00 AM, 3/9/13

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I like to imagine that Giles shops exclusively at Mr. Stuffington’s Whatsists And Other Assorted Flippitypippities For Posh Fellows Emporium

  • 2:03 AM, 3/9/13

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this lady is really giving Giles a run for his money on the “inappropriately leaning into students’ personal space” front

  • 2:06 AM, 3/9/13

hmm

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I’m starting to suspect that there’s something not quite right about this woman

  • 2:10 AM, 3/9/13

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DANGER ZONE

  • 2:13 AM, 3/9/13

I do believe Xander’s about to have…

a mantis in his pantis

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  • 2:16 AM, 3/9/13

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I feel a prison romance a-brewing

  • 2:20 AM, 3/9/13

“It would seem she is… a She-Mantis.”

goddamit giles

really

that’s the best we can do on the name

a she-mantis?

I guess LadyBug was already taken

  • 2:25 AM, 3/9/13

XANDER

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DON’T MAKE OUT WITH THAT PUPPET BRO

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  • 2:27 AM, 3/9/13

aw, everyone rescued xander

  • 2:35 AM, 3/9/13

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uhg

DID YOU HAVE TWO IDENTICAL LEATHER JACKETS

REALLY

  • 2:37 AM, 3/9/13

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“Dear Diary,

Tonight I followed Buffy to that club all those teenagers go to. The music was super rad. Perfect for brooding. I stood in the corner, looking moody and cool for a while, but she didn’t notice so I finally went over to her. I was all suave and cryptic and she totally asked for my digits, but I was all ‘nah, babe’ and peaced out of there.

Oh, but before I left? I totally told her my leather jacket looks better on her.

Nailed it.

♥♥♥♥♥♥♥,

Angel”

  • 2:40 AM, 3/9/13

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“I can totally rock these later for my fashion blog”

  • 2:50 AM, 3/9/13

Okay, on that note, I’m going to go to bed

thank you all for humoring me

and angel? you are the worst


Episode 5: Never Kill A Boy On The First Date
  • 5:00 PM, 3/11/13

I’m hungover, unshowered, and currently trying to avoid a baby that’s in my living room

so prepare your buttholes – IT’S TIME FOR SOME FUCKING BUFFY THE VAMPIRE SLAYER

  • 5:01 PM, 3/11/13

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and giles has started the episode off strong by popping out from behind a tomb like a fucking whack-a-mole

  • 5:04 PM, 3/11/13

aaaand he just got distracted midway through his critique of Buffy’s vampire-murdering by a shiny object

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like a raccoon

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  • 5:10 PM, 3/11/13

Heeeeeeey! Voldemort’s back!

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and he’s assembled quite the impressive posse!

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… a posse can be made of 3 people, right

  • 5:13 PM, 3/11/13

“It’s a sun and three stars. Haven’t we seen that somewhere?”

Why, yes. Yes you have.

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I believe that can be found in a kindergartner’s drawing

  • 5:16 PM, 3/11/13

Wow, Buffy is hardcore Xandering it with this dude

Buffy, it’s not Emily Dickens

Buffy

nooooo

  • 5:20 PM, 3/11/13

okay, so Buffy and Willow are being all gossipy about this Owen dude (or Mr. Dickinson as I am going to call him) and his good attributes so far have been as follows:

  • keeps to himself
  • quiet
  • never talks to anyone
  • broods
  • for some reason carries a book of Emily Dickinson book around as a security blanket like a douche canoe
  • very cryptic and mysterious

REMIND YOU OF ANYONE?!

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  • 5:22 PM, 3/11/13

“How’d the slaying go last night? Oh, I mean… how did the LAYING go?”

– Xander

you are bad at everything

  • 5:26 PM, 3/11/13

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ladies, there’s no need for this competition. The answer to your problem is staring you right in the face. It’s a little something the French like to call….

three people bonin’

  • 5:30 PM, 3/11/13

Giles: I assure you, it’s very big.

go oooooooon

  • 5:33 PM, 3/11/13

stop

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in the name of being TOO ADORABLE

  • 5:36 PM, 3/11/13

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riding public transit just wouldn’t be the same without some sweaty weirdo muttering a Rorschach-style rant about judgement day and the cleansing of the world or whatever

  • 5:40 PM, 3/11/13

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i think your shirt needs some more polka dots

  • 5:43 PM, 3/11/13

oh, Xander

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that face tells me that you’re only just now figuring out that that watch is stupid

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  • 5:46 PM, 3/11/13

Girls, I know you basically think Xander has a vagina

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but this is just getting mean

  • 5:50 PM, 3/11/13

Aw, Buffy has a beeper

I didn’t know she was a drug dealer

  • 5:55 PM, 3/11/13

uhg, Owen’s talking about how many boners he has for Emily Dickinson again

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dude, I’m gonna tell you what my friends say to me whenever I start talking about Batman: “you are getting way too intense about this and please stop yelling”

  • 5:58 PM, 3/11/13

aw, I never knew Cher and Marilyn Manson had a baby

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  • 6:00 PM, 3/11/13

Okay, this Owen character is really confusing me

like one minute he’s talking about Emily Dickinson and her metaphors for death but then he seems to totally buy Buffy’s bullshit about forgetting how clocks FUCKING WORK and even says he has the same thing happen to him

is he an idiot? is he a genius?

OWEN, THEY WERE RIGHT YOU ARE AN ENIGMA

  • 6:02 PM, 3/11/13

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OH MY GOD, I FORGOT ABOUT CRIMPING INDIVIDUAL BITS OF HAIR

  • 6:05  PM, 3/11/13

oh, giles, your car looks as good as it sounds

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terrible

  • 6:07 PM, 3/11/13

monsters are a lot less intimidating when they just calmly open doors to get into a room

  • 6:10 PM, 3/11/13

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“Damn, NOT THE FLOWER ROOM! NOW WHERE SHALL I GET MY PETUNIAS?!”

  • 6:13 PM, 3/11/13

I’m gonna go ahead and add “building a barricade” to the list of Things Giles Is Not Good At

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  • 6:15 PM, 3/11/13

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“Giles, it’s us!”

Oh really, Willow? Is it?

is it you

  • 6:17 PM, 3/11/13

Xander: Isn’t this more of a job for Buffy?

Giles: She has her… beepy thing…

he means a beeper

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  • 6:22 PM, 3/11/13

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“Dear Diary,

The party don’t start til I walk in.

Haha, just joshin’ ya, diary. I was on a mission. A super awesome important mission that only a foxy man like myself could handle.

Unfortunately I realized at the last second that I was wearing the exact same outfit I’d worn every other time I’d seen Buffy, but sometimes we have to forgive ourselves for our errors. Love begins with yourself. Besides, I could totally just dazzle the fuck out of her with that special almost-smile I’ve been perfecting.

But wouldn’t you know it, Buffy was there with some other dude.

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Like, what? That blinking blond doofus? She kept being like ‘he’s my date, blah blah blah’ but I don’t feel threatened. Of course I don’t.

I mean, look at me. These cheekbones set me apart. I’m a stallion. He’s some lesser horse.

And, like, if she wants to be with that loser, then whatever. I’m the wind. I can’t be tied down, like a tidal wave. A tsunami of perfect hair and cheekbones. I don’t need outside validation.

Because I’m me. I’m Angel. And that’s the best I can be.

♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥,

Angel”

  • 6:24 PM, 3/11/13

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Angel

stop lurking

  • 6:28 PM, 3/11/13

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“I wasn’t making out with this corpse or anything”

  • 6:30 PM, 3/11/13

Willow and Xander were trained by Giles on the art of barricading doors

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I’m sure that lampshade will really make a difference

  • 6:33 PM, 3/11/13

okay so this wrestler just came back to life

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and started chanting “pork and beans”

is that… is that a thing

  • 6:35 PM, 3/11/13

aw, baby Giles wanted to be a fighter pilot

maybe that’s why he drive’s a car that looks like it’s made out of spare bits from a WWI bomber

  • 6:40 PM, 3/11/13

OH SHIT

OH MAN

THE ANOINTED ONE IS THE LITTLE KID

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THE ANOINTED ONE IS THE LITTLE KID

I DON’T KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS BUT I’M HYPED

(next week on Buffy)

2 thoughts on “Liveblogging Buffy: Season 1, Episodes 3, 4 & 5

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