(previously on Buffy)

Episode 3: Witch

• 7:30 PM, 3/8/13

I’m debating tackling an episode before my shift ends since work is slow and today has been bananas

bad bananas

like the kind of bananas you would only use for banana bread

only you don’t know how to make banana bread

• 7:31 PM, 3/8/13

after you write banana a few times, it starts to look really stupid

banananananananananananana

• 7:35 PM, 3/8/13

less than two minutes in and giles is already uncomfortably leaning into some personal space

I know not joining the cheer-leading squad is serious business, but geez

• 7:36 PM, 3/8/13

Giles just waxed poetical in an almost aroused way about how cool it is to live on Satan’s Butthole since there’s all these demons and witches and shit

making it weird for everyone

• 7:37 PM, 3/8/13

omg Buffy’s mom

your daughter is trying to do whatever the daughter equivalent of a pick-up line is

GET A CLUE

• 7:40 PM, 3/8/13

willow

gurl

thems too many patterns

• 7:43 PM, 3/8/13

“You’re like a guy friend who knows about girl stuff!”

– Xander to Willow

hot damn dude, YOU ARE SUPER BLOWING IT

• 7:45 PM, 3/8/13

Okay, this chick who wants to join the squad has some MAD MOMMY ISSUES

LIKE THERE ARE NORMAN BATES LEVEL ISSUES HAPPENING HERE

• 7:46 PM, 3/8/13

Buffy, you need to abort this friendship

this is only going to end in stuffed corpses and broken dreams

• 7:50 PM, 3/8/13

why do all witches love pea soup so much

• 7:53 PM, 3/8/13

AUGH IT’S LILITH

ABORT ABORT ABORT

• 7:55 PM, 3/8/13

guys, we already know how to see if someone’s a witch

it’s if the weigh the same as a duck

DUH-DOY

• 8:00 PM, 3/8/13

IT’S COOL, I SAW THIS HAPPEN IN THE MATRIX

JUST DON’T LET ANYONE PUT ANYTHING IN YOUR BELLYBUTTON

• 8:03 PM, 3/8/13

oh giles

of course that’s your car

of course

• 8:07 PM, 3/8/13

That awkward moment when you find your mom’s sex dungeon

although I guess that’s a sex attic

• 8:10 PM, 3/8/13

I hope performing in front of such a huge crowd was worth setting people on fire

• 8:15 PM, 3/8/13

yo buffy, that yellow color is really washing you out

oh, you’re dying?

…oh

• 8:17 PM, 3/8/13

Willow, I know you’re trying your best

but don’t fuck with crazy eyes

• 8:20 PM, 3/8/13

• 8:23 PM, 3/8/13

IT’S ANOTHER DEMON

CONTINUE ABORTING

• 8:28 PM, 3/8/13

too…

much….

NINETIES…

• 8:29 PM, 3/8/13

wait, what happened to mom-not-mom?

• 8:31 PM, 3/8/13

NO, SHOW

NO

---

Episode 4: Teacher’s Pet

• 1:30 AM, 3/9/13

wait, no, hold the fuck on

the principal’s name is Principal Flutey?

I object!

on the grounds of irresponsible silliness

• 1:33 AM, 3/9/13

you know you’ve seen too much porn when you’re watching a show and a teacher says “can I please see you after class” and you’re surprised when sex doesn’t happen

• 1:36 AM, 3/9/13

• 1:39 AM, 3/9/13

oh no

dude, this is a show from the 90’s where people die

you are the only black dude in this club

GET OUTTA THERE

• 1:45 AM, 3/9/13

ah, I see Angel graduated from the Edward Cullen School Of Awkwardly Following Teenage Girls Around

• 1:49 AM, 3/9/13

Xander, baby

popping a boner in front of your lady friends is mad uncool

• 1:53 AM, 3/9/13

Never trust a lady who gets this turned on while talking about praying mantises boning

• 1:55 AM, 3/9/13

“Those that can, do. Those that can, LAUGH, at those who… can do.”

– Xander

• 2:00 AM, 3/9/13

• 2:03 AM, 3/9/13

• 2:06 AM, 3/9/13

hmm

• 2:10 AM, 3/9/13

• 2:13 AM, 3/9/13

I do believe Xander’s about to have…

a mantis in his pantis

• 2:16 AM, 3/9/13

• 2:20 AM, 3/9/13

“It would seem she is… a She-Mantis.”

goddamit giles

really

that’s the best we can do on the name

a she-mantis?

I guess LadyBug was already taken

• 2:25 AM, 3/9/13

XANDER

DON’T MAKE OUT WITH THAT PUPPET BRO

• 2:27 AM, 3/9/13

aw, everyone rescued xander

• 2:35 AM, 3/9/13

uhg

DID YOU HAVE TWO IDENTICAL LEATHER JACKETS

REALLY

• 2:37 AM, 3/9/13

“Dear Diary,

Tonight I followed Buffy to that club all those teenagers go to. The music was super rad. Perfect for brooding. I stood in the corner, looking moody and cool for a while, but she didn’t notice so I finally went over to her. I was all suave and cryptic and she totally asked for my digits, but I was all ‘nah, babe’ and peaced out of there.

Oh, but before I left? I totally told her my leather jacket looks better on her.

Nailed it.

♥♥♥♥♥♥♥,

Angel”

• 2:40 AM, 3/9/13

• 6:00 PM, 3/11/13

Okay, this Owen character is really confusing me

like one minute he’s talking about Emily Dickinson and her metaphors for death but then he seems to totally buy Buffy’s bullshit about forgetting how clocks FUCKING WORK and even says he has the same thing happen to him

is he an idiot? is he a genius?

OWEN, THEY WERE RIGHT YOU ARE AN ENIGMA

• 6:02 PM, 3/11/13

• 6:05  PM, 3/11/13

oh, giles, your car looks as good as it sounds

terrible

• 6:07 PM, 3/11/13

• 6:10 PM, 3/11/13

• 6:13 PM, 3/11/13

I’m gonna go ahead and add “building a barricade” to the list of Things Giles Is Not Good At

• 6:15 PM, 3/11/13

“Giles, it’s us!”

Oh really, Willow? Is it?

is it you

• 6:17 PM, 3/11/13

Xander: Isn’t this more of a job for Buffy?

Giles: She has her… beepy thing…

he means a beeper

• 6:22 PM, 3/11/13

“Dear Diary,

The party don’t start til I walk in.

Haha, just joshin’ ya, diary. I was on a mission. A super awesome important mission that only a foxy man like myself could handle.

Unfortunately I realized at the last second that I was wearing the exact same outfit I’d worn every other time I’d seen Buffy, but sometimes we have to forgive ourselves for our errors. Love begins with yourself. Besides, I could totally just dazzle the fuck out of her with that special almost-smile I’ve been perfecting.

But wouldn’t you know it, Buffy was there with some other dude.

Like, what? That blinking blond doofus? She kept being like ‘he’s my date, blah blah blah’ but I don’t feel threatened. Of course I don’t.

I mean, look at me. These cheekbones set me apart. I’m a stallion. He’s some lesser horse.

And, like, if she wants to be with that loser, then whatever. I’m the wind. I can’t be tied down, like a tidal wave. A tsunami of perfect hair and cheekbones. I don’t need outside validation.

Because I’m me. I’m Angel. And that’s the best I can be.

♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥,

Angel”

• 6:24 PM, 3/11/13

Angel

stop lurking

• 6:28 PM, 3/11/13

• 6:30 PM, 3/11/13

Willow and Xander were trained by Giles on the art of barricading doors

I’m sure that lampshade will really make a difference

• 6:33 PM, 3/11/13

okay so this wrestler just came back to life

and started chanting “pork and beans”

is that… is that a thing

• 6:35 PM, 3/11/13

aw, baby Giles wanted to be a fighter pilot

maybe that’s why he drive’s a car that looks like it’s made out of spare bits from a WWI bomber

• 6:40 PM, 3/11/13

OH SHIT

OH MAN

THE ANOINTED ONE IS THE LITTLE KID

I DON’T KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS BUT I’M HYPED

(next week on Buffy)