• An Introduction

Two years ago, I made the decision to start watching Buffy The Vampire Slayer. I had only seen two episodes in the past as a youth – I always had found it to be a little on the scary side (I also found The Faculty to be TERRIFYING as a child so I didn’t have a very high tolerance for “scary” things) so I avoided it.

just an example of how Buffy is truly a spine-tingling piece of 90’s horror

Seeing as I’ve been informed multiple times that never watching Buffy seriously hurts my “nerd cred”, I bit the bullet and started watching. I decided to record my reactions and, now, to share those reactions with the world.

For those of you unfamiliar with Buffy, it’s a story about the titular teenage girl who fights vampires and other monsters. She slays them, if you will. She has friends, a weird british mentor who is in love with books, a creepy ancient vampire stalker, and a portal to a damned dimension.

You know, regular teen girl stuff.

Note: my apologies for the quality of the screencaps but I a) am lazy and b) don’t actually care.

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Episode 1: Welcome To Hellmouth

• 10:00 AM, 3/7/13

guys, I’ve decided to finally watch Buffy: The Vampire Slayer

watch out – LIVEBLOGGING IS COMING YOUR WAY

• 10:02 AM, 3/7/13

omg, RITA?!

first you date Dexter and now THIS

• 10:05 AM, 3/7/13

holy 90’s, Batman

so many feathered bangs

• 10:10 AM, 3/7/13

why helloooooooo, young awkward Bruce Campbell

I like your face

apparently this is the Xander Mander, who I barely remember

• 10:14 AM, 3/7/13

okay, I know Giles isn’t a murderer

but his introduction is totally not convincing me that he isn’t a murderer

• 10:16 AM, 3/7/13

guys, you should really make sure the library is empty before having great expositions on what a vampire slayer is

that just seems sloppy

• 10:18 AM, 3/7/13

Come the fuck on, Giles

• 10:20 AM, 3/7/13

this club has a lot of dudes in Hawaiian shirt

sis that… is that a thing?

• 10:21 AM, 3/7/113

I’m not sure if this club is so bewildering because I just didn’t go to any in the 90’s

because I was about 10

is this club in a warehouse?

was my town the only town without a warehouse club?

• 10:25 AM, 3/7/13

Giles, you can’t follow teenage girls to a club full of other teenagers

Giles, don’t talk about drinking bovril, no one knows what that is and it is also gross

Giles, don’t lurk behind Buffy

GILES, YOU ARE BLOWING IT

• 10:31 AM, 3/7/13

yo, Eyebrows

rambling incoherently while you’re standing by yourself is only cute when Xander does it

• 10:32 AM, 3/7/13

I really hope Eyebrows is a vampire because I am not a fan

• 10:35 AM, 3/7/13

Aha! Rita’s gonna eat Eyebrows!

Suck it, Eyebrows! You gonna get eaten. Er, or sucked?

Whatever. Rita’s going to murder you

• 10:36 AM, 3/7/13

Eyebrows, we hardly knew ye

• 10:40 AM, 3/7/13

I’m supposed to find the vampire face scary not silly, right?

• 10:46 AM, 3/7/13

hey!

it’s Voldemort!

• 10:47 AM, 3/7/13

Willow, no good ever comes from shortcuts through graveyards with strange boys who have giant lapels

That’s like Not Getting Murdered 101

• 10:50 AM

“To be continued”?

ARE YOU JOKING

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Episode 2: The Harvest

• 11:00 AM, 3/7/13

• 11:05 AM, 3/7/13

• 11:08 AM, 3/7/13

Giles, you gotta learn about personal space buddy

these are teenage girls, not books. Stop leaning like that

• 11:10 AM, 3/7/13

like everyone will be all “xander stay here” and he’ll be like “lol no” and gets immediately kidnapped

aka doing the exact opposite of whatever is helpful

• 11:13 AM, 3/7/13

oh no, Eyebrows is a vampire, who could have foreseen this happening

• 11:15 AM, 3/7/13

Xander

you dropped the cross

YOU HAD ONE JOB

• 11:17 AM, 3/7/13

I think Voldemort and Giant Neck vampire (aka the angry cabbage patch kid) are having some sort of vampire wedding ceremony

so sweet

• 11:20 AM, 3/7/13

ooh, Voldemort just went all touched by an angel

• 11:25 AM, 3/7/13

“She did it… I’ll be damned.” – Angel

GET IT BECAUSE HE’S A VAMPIRE

• 11:28 AM, 3/7/13

Giles is Doctor Exposition

he has a PhD in explaining season-long story arcs

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Impressions After Watching the first 2 episodes of Buffy

I have a lot of thoughts happening:

• Is Giles literally just a librarian? Is that a thing in high schools anymore? Like librarians who are just librarians?
• I feel like even when I was in high school, librarians had to teach at least one class. Usually one that was wildly unrelated to their actual field of expertise.
• and run security
• and serve lunch
• what I’m saying is, my school was way underfunded
• speaking of unrealistic schools, that library is CRAY
• like my high school library had about 4 books from 1989, a buttload of magazines (usually Highlights or Life magazines from the early 70’s), and six computers (also from 1989)
• note: I was in high school in the early 2000’s
• not the early 90’s
• I mean, really
• their library has STAIRS
• and WOODEN SHELVES
• their school has a damn GATE
• like is that a thing for normal affluent white schools? I know rich people love their gates
• also, is that principal dude stalking Buffy? He reminds me of the principal from A Goofy Movie. “Science slumber parties!”
• the amount of 90’s in this show is INSANITY – all the spaghetti straps and platform shoes and weirdly-high-waisted pants and shoulder pads in ill-fitting jackets
• and that club, dude
• THAT CLUB IS WHY I HAD UNREALISTIC EXPECTATIONS OF HIGH SCHOOL WHEN I WAS A KID
• SO MANY 90’S SHOWS HAD CLUBS LIKE THAT
• I always thought that teenagers just knew of abandoned warehouses and would go there and listen to grunge music and drink stuff that wasn’t alcohol
• there was NOTHING like that where I grew up… or at least I wasn’t cool enough to go
• also the music has been hilarious so far
• like, Cordelia, I sincerely doubt that weird mumble rock song was your “favorite song”
• Cordelia, that is not how you even dance to that music
• Cordelia, why
• speaking of Cordelia, I weirdly like her?
• I feel like I should hate her but I kinda think she’s great
• maybe that’s a true sign of how far out of high school i am
• Like I don’t hate the popular girl
• I think I just love all the women on this show a stupid amount already
• Willow is too adorable to function and I sort of want her to date Buffy which is weird and unexpected
• Is that a thing? Is that something people ship?
• also I can already tell that I am pretty much constantly going to be giving giles shit because oh my god
• does no one find it weird that the library man is just, like, lurking around these teenagers? I guess the 90’s were a different time
• a time before Chris Hensen (BCH)
• oh my god, can you imagine Giles on To Catch A Predator
• “Mr Giles, in this transcript where you go by Watcher69, you asked one of our undercover agents posing as a teenage girl if she’s heard of anyone having blood sucked out of their veins in her area. Why are you so interested in teenage girls and their blood?”
• “Listen, I just found out why my username sounds dodgy – I just, I have my reasons! I was born in 69! And it was for research! RESEARCH!”
• poor Giles
• his PhD may be in explaining season-long story arcs but his undergraduate degree is in creeping
• also I already love Buffy’s mom
• like way to go on showing a single-mother family where it’s not just like “ANNNNGST HOW DO WE GO OOOOOOON”
• but isn’t Harriet The Spy Buffy’s sister?
• where is she? Does she live with Buffy’s dad?
• Also, my hands basically refuse to type Buffy correctly
• usually it’s “Buddy” or “Buggy”
• Buggy the Vampire Slayer
• Niles
• Ophelia
• Salamander
• Lily Adlrin
• in case you couldn’t tell, I’m really terrible at remembering names so most secondary characters are going to be named after whatever I associate them with
• like Eyebrows, who died so expectedly
• as soon as he showed up, I was like “surely this show doesn’t have two joke-talkin crackwisers” and lo, I was correct
• and I totally thought the name of the town was Hell’s Mouth
• which really confused me because like who would move to Hell’s Mouth
• so I guess the town founder made a good call in naming it Sunnydale rather than Satan’s butthole

Okay, I’m done

(next week on Buffy)