Why White People Suck: We Stole Jazz (And The Best We Could Come Up With Was Kenny G)

Jazz is full of legends. Awesome, musically ingenious legends.

You know who is not one of them?

Kenny Fucking G.

Saxophonist Kenny G, who is a big star in China

Behold! The elusive Great White Douche.

Seriously, we take a music scene that’s all about expression and awesome tunes and turn out Kenny G. What the fuck is wrong with us? He plays the fucking CALRINET for fuck’s sake. THAT IS THE LARPER NERD OF INSTRUMENTS. THAT’S THE INSTRUMENT THAT ALL THE OTHER INSTRUMENTS PANTS ON A REGULAR BASIS. EVEN THE PICCOLO STUFFS THE CLARINET IN THEIR CLOSET AND PEES IN THEIR MOUNTAIN DEW.

I mean, check it out:

This video makes my eye twitch. It’s like having Wonder bread blended into a paste and then poured into your ears as Paul McCartney is sodomized before you. All with plinky-plunky piano in the background.

So fuck you, Kenny G, and fuck us all, white people. And fuck you Ben Franklin, my mom’s carpool friend, and dentists everywhere for providing this no-talent assclown with a regular listening audience.


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