Hot Mess Reviews: Iron Man III

note: hot mess reviews is done “stream of consciousness” style, often immediately after seeing the movie

OKAY I NEED TO TALK ABOUT IRON MAN III

(gushing lies ahead)

  • WOW THE BEGINNING WITH I’M BLUE
  • Everyone else in the theater was like “…the fuck?” and I just started laughing like a lunatic because oh my god
  • uhg tony honey you were such a bag of dicks before you were iron man, jeezy creezy
  • was that lady the lady from the Town? She was, right? I swear to god she was
  • what do you mean “just look on imdb”
  • I’M A BUSY WOMAN
  • PLUS I ENJOY CONJECTURE
  • also i suffered from MAJOR brain fail when it came to remembering anyone’s name
  • so that lady became “probably lady from the town”
  • big bad guy became Former Rickety Cricket
  • bad bald guy became “is that a british actor because I know him”
  • the president was “the sheriff from Roswell”
  • vice president became “the guy who isn’t the guy who plays the dad in Juno”
  • and the Mandarin was Ben Kingsley
  • anyway
  • jeeeeez, former Rickety Cricket was sure pulling a sleezy gropefest with Pepper
  • like girl, why you letting that shit fly
  • I was imagining, when Happy was doing his recon work and we couldn’t hear/see what Pepper and Creepypants were doing and he was showing her his brain, that she was like “what’s this glowy bit” and he was like “AHAHAH NOTHING, IT’S NOT THE PART OF MY BRAIN THAT CONTROLS BONERS, IGNORE THAT PLEASE”
  • like bro
  • play it cooler
  • please
  • and jesus christ, i fucking love Happy
  • like he is legitimately kind of the biggest dumb dumb and a goof and HIS HAIR IN THE BEGINNING DEAR GOD
  • but he totally called that one guy being shifty as fuck
  • and that poor explodey guy
  • at first with the glowing shit I was like “really this is what we’re doing? are they terminators?” but then it ended up being pretty cool
  • there were these kids in my theater and they cackled like LOONS whenever someone died horrifically
  • it was legitimately upsetting
  • and then happy in a coma NOOOOO
  • and then that dick with a smartphone, yeah, you bust that shit up tone-bone
  • i love how much the marvel movies are just all “BECAUSE SCIENCE NO SERIOUSLY DON’T WORRY ABOUT IT”
  • adorable
  • jesus christ, that PTSD stuff was horrible
  • like I understand Pepper leaving because one of Tony’s iron mans tried to straight-up choke her ass and yeah, man, that is uncool
  • maybe install a “don’t murder my girlfriend maybe” program, tony
  • but still, her leaving when he was having a panic attack was heartbreaking
  • because of course he couldn’t be totally vulnerable because he’s him but at the same time HE WAS BEING PRETTY DAMN VULNERABLE
  • and rhodey
  • RHODEY YOU BEAUTIFUL BASTARD
  • I’m glad he and tony got to have some actual bro times that weren’t just like “plot advancemeeeent” but actually shows why they’re friends
  • it warms the cockles of my heart
  • AND JESUS THE BUILDING’S SHIT GETTING FUCKED
  • I WAS ALL NOOOOOOO
  • AND THEN WITH PEPPER AND THE SUIT I WAS LIKE YESSSS
  • AND THEN DUMMY FELL INTO THE GODDAMN OCEAN AND I LEGIT WHINED OUT “NOOOOOOO” AND EVERYONE ELSE IN THE THEATER WAS LIKE “WHY IS THIS BITCH ALL WORRIED ABOUT A FUCKING ROBOT”
  • And then tony underwater, uhhhhhg, UPSETTING
  • dude was waterboarded! like that is awful
  • and Pepper, seriously, ten thousand boners to gryffindor young lady
  • I was bummed that she didn’t get to wear the suit more but it’s cool
  • And then Jarvis, you sent Tony to Tennessee, you little shit
  • come on bro
  • also, that kid? A+++++++
  • I’m so glad they let Tony be a dick to him and they didn’t have a “the child has shown me the error of my ways” moment and tony’s daddy issues got to take a slow parade around the block
  • I was all “uhhhhhg, child actorssss” but that kid was the tits
  • “we’re connected”, uhg I love how manipulative you are
  • his absolute inability to be empathetic towards tony’s panic attacks was kind of the best
  • like, I know, panic attacks should not be taken lightly, but I don’t think that’s what they were doing
  • it was just kinda great seeing a kid be like “OH WHAT’S HAPPENING AND AM I MAKING IT 100% WORSE” and tony’s absolute honest emotional reaction to that just made me, like, really happy
  • and tony admitted he needs medication
  • oh honey, i love your beautiful brokenness
  • and how these movies actually let you have complex character development
  • and how you’re played by someone who gives a shit about you and how you are portrayed
  • and then Pepper got to do things
  • and then that lady from the town was a double-crosser! I WAS NOT EXPECTING THAT
  • no seriously
  • I was like “aw, lady bros, broing down” and then when she betrayed pepper I was actually really mad
  • like how DARE SHE
  • PEPPER CARRIED YOU
  • AND YEAH SHE ALMOST SMASHED YOU INTO PIECES THROUGH A WINDOW
  • BUT SHE TRIED DAMMIT
  • AND SHE COMFORTED YOU
  • YOU TRAITOR
  • I kiiiiiiiinda wish they had committed to her just being, like, a super not good person though
  • like not “mooohahahaha, I am eeeeevil”, but still not have her try to save Tony in the end
  • like I think it would have been more compelling for HER to have been the super bad person in the end because, like, her arc made the least sense
  • like why would she join EvilCo* when she was a good person but then be committed to EvilCo but then randomly become good again?
  • if she was a money-grubbing crazy person then it would be cool
  • because at least Rickety Cricket had a real reason to start being a part of EvilCo since he needed to get healed up on shit and, like, needing to be not exploded is a pretty legit reason to side with the crazy girl who can heal you
  • but instead she was just like “mehhhhh, i guess I’m moral…?” and it just seemed pretty weak to me
  • plus then her emotional manipulation of Pepper would make more sense
  • BUT WHATEVER
  • WE CAN’T ALWAYS GET THE BAD GUYS WE WANT
  • BUT WE CAN TRY SOME TIMES
  • AND YOU MIGHT FIND
  • WE GET BEN KINGSLEEEEY
  • which, by the way, was pretty hilarious
  • but more on that later
  • I loved the intervals where it was just like “and now we go back to Rhodey’s Middle East Badass Adventures!”
  • oh, and I forgot to mention Happy watching Downton Abbey
  • uhhhhg Happy and Tony bros 5ever
  • Also, is Happy in love with Pepper? Because I think he might be
  • which is adorable and also heartbreaking
  • and I’m a fan of pepperoni but happy, guys
  • you beautiful buffoon
  • and okay, in regards to the super-healing soldier people… they seemed pretty okay with the “i might be a bomb” thing
  • you know
  • for soldiers
  • and they seemed okay with their friends blowing up
  • like…. does the red glowing stuff make them not give a shit about friends anymore?
  • And why was that lady’s face still burned if she was all ‘I CAN HEAL LIKE A MOTHERFUCKER”?
  • because I guess reforming entire limbs is harder than a face
  • or something
  • augh TONY’S HOMEMADE WEAPONS
  • i have a boner for those kinds of montages
  • can I just say that I actually really appreciated the whole “tony is deeeead” angle because that kinda made the whole “where are the rest of the avengers” thing make more sense
  • although I can’t imagine cap being okay with all that mandarin shit
  • unless he was busy with Bucky?
  • who knows
  • IT’S COOL
  • I DON’T NEED TO SEE CHRIS EVANS’ FACE ALWAYS OR ANYTHING
  • I still don’t get WHY rickety cricket could shoot that lady with no worries about ever blowing up again
  • like… why?
  • because tony would fix him???
  • why wouldn’t tony just kill you????
  • you aren’t so good with the plan making if it goes beyond MTV Cribs feating Not Osama Bin Laden
  • oh yeah, that brings me to the Mandarin
  • and like, okay, he’s bin laden, but maybe southern?
  • cool, I guess
  • but then I kind of thought the game-changer was awesome
  • because, again, I wasn’t expecting the degree of ridiculousness that there was
  • and also because, well… we’re trained to be seriously be afraid of dudes like that
  • and I think it was a good choice making him very clearly not Arabic
  • and then going “haha, we were just using THAT ENTIRE PERSONA because we know that’s exactly what people are afraid of”
  • but then in the end that character is totally ridiculous and kind of a joke
  • so I don’t know
  • I appreciated it
  • I was kinda getting bummed by the damsel in distress thing going on with Pepper but hot DAMN did they redeem themselves
  • the whole time I was like “if Pepper does not get to fuck up this guy’s shit in the end, I will be hella pissed”
  • Tony’s barrel of monkeys thing with the air force one passengers, you beautiful motherfucker
  • I honestly had a moment when the truck was like “LOL BYE IRON MAN” and tony’s head was shown behind the screen that I thought it was tony’s dismembered head
  • like he had been beheaded
  • but he was still talking somehow
  • and then they were like “LOL HE WAS ON THE BOAT THE WHOLE TIME” and I felt like an idiot
  • tony and rhodey invading that ship was the best ever
  • I started singing a song
  • “bros on a ship – gonna save the president
  • RHODEY AND TONY
  • FUCKING STUFF UP
  • WHO NEEDS SUITS, WHEN YOU GOT DUDES WHO ARE BEST BROS
  • BEST BROS DOING STUFF TOGETHERRRR”
  • uhhhg rhodey, so competent
  • and Tony, you try so hard baby it’s okay
  • you don’t need guns
  • you’re fine without guns
  • you got your suits
  • you’re a genius
  • it’s okay
  • and then Rhodey doesn’t need SHIT, give that man a gun and he is awesome
  • actually
  • Rhodey should have his own movie
  • *dreamy sigh*
  • yeah
  • and then ALL THE SUITS
  • and again, I know it’s probably for marketing so they can make toys
  • but i DO NOT GIVE ONE FUCK
  • with every suit, i was all “hold up a second! I WANT TO BASK IN WHAT THEY DO! SO MUCH TECH PORN! AAAJHAKDFHK”
  • WHEN HE BLEW THEM ALL UP I WAS LEGITIMATELY UPSET YOU GUYS
  • AND PEPPER
  • BE STILL MY VAGINA
  • seriously, when we were like “pepper is deeeead” I was not having any of that shit
  • and why wouldn’t that dude DIE
  • I really enjoyed how little everything worked for tony
  • at pretty much EVERY juncture of the movie
  • also all that shit where he was popping in and out of the suits should have been visually confusing but instead it was just awesome and a really cool concept and man, sometimes that kind of shit makes me mad because it’s SO COOL AND SMART
  • and then Pepper is all “LOL NOT DEAD, FUCK YOU CREEPYPANTS, I AIN’T NOBODY’S TROPHY” and I happy clapped
  • enraged glowy pepper is hot
  • you were right to be impressed, tony
  • it’s almost like you should make her a suit or something
  • and then TONY FOUND DUMMY (i think)
  • and…. healed pepper? somehow?
  • and holy shit, he took out the arc reactor and took all the shit out of his chest?
  • I kinda felt like that big of a choice should have been dwelt on a little more
  • and that he had actually, you know, gone to therapy, instead of the movie acting like he had solved his mental problems by literally blowing them up but, hey, the PTSD just made up like 60% of the plot of the entire movie
  • no need to actually resolve it
  • but anyway
  • BRUCE AT THE END
  • BRUCE
  • BRUUUUUUUCE
  • BRUUUUUUUUUUUUCE
  • but seriously, those end credits were BEAUTIFUL
  • like super stylized and like how I imagine bond fans feel about 007 credits
  • they were super cool
  • BASICALLY I LIKED IT

*I know it’s called AIM, but EvilCo has more of a ring to it

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