Hot Mess Reviews: Star Trek Into Darkness

note: hot mess reviews is done “stream of consciousness” style, often immediately after seeing the movie

I decided to write a review of Star Trek even though I am a) SEVERELY sleep-deprived (I’ve had 9 hours of sleep over the past 72 hours) and b) barely capable of writing a coherent review on a good day

but here is the thing no one asked for!

note: there is less gushing herein than I did for Iron Man III because I had some issues with certain character aspects but I fucking loved it nontheless


  • Firstly: I wanna just state that I’m not as familiar with Star Trek TOS as I am with TNG or DS9 so if I point out something as being stupid or I act confused about something that’s in alliance with canon, then I apologize for maybe being dumb
  • though maybe that just means it was an issue with the original show too
  • but let’s get onto this crazy train
  • I weirdly thought the opening sequence was the most fun part of the movie
  • maybe because I like this crew best when they’re just hanging out, stopping shit from exploding and joshing each other
  • but Jeeeeeesus, the amount of feelings I had when Spock was totally cool with being left in that crazy monster volcano as it was about to erupt
  • It wasn’t because I was afraid he was going to die – it was because he was completely willing to die in exchange for the planet not being destroyed
  • which, ouch, right in the hearthole because of it’s not like that’s relevant to Spock’s life or anything
  • uhg Vulcan feelings out of fucking nowhere
  • I would 100% watch a movie that was just Karl Urban as Bones. I would watch an entire fourteen-part documentary that comes in two-hour installments called Bones Fucking Around With Tribbles or Dammit, Jim – Stop Filming Me Or I Will End You: I’m A Doctor, Not A Documentary Subject
  • Chris Pine’s eyes are so blue, it is legitimately distracting
  • like I kept staring at them thinking “are they digitally altered? did a witch cast a spell on him when he was a baby so no one would ever be able to concentrate on what he’s saying because his eyes are supernaturally blue? Oh shit, did something serious just happen? Did he lose the Enterprise? DAMN YOU, PINE EYES” (TURN AROUND PIIIINE EEEEEYES)
  • I wasn’t that shocked by Pike dying – as soon as Kirk got demoted and Pike got the Enterprise back, I was like “oh bro, that is a one-way ticket to deadsville, population: you”
  • still, Spock mind-melding with him as he died and Kirk crying was very upsetting
  • Like, okay, Chris Pine’s eyes are stupidly distracting but damn if that boy can’t emote like a motherfucker
  • And, like, I love Zachary Quinto, but as my roommate pointed out did he not seem a little less badass in this movie? Maybe because the last movie he was the Chief Sass Officer and there was less sass and more logic talk
  • the logic talk was pretty satisfying though due to it annoying literallyeveryone all the time
  • Sidebar: I was having a hard time figuring out what the time frame was between this movie and the last movie – I would have appreciated a little more context for how long the crew had been jiving together
  • just because there was SO MUCH hostility between Spock and Kirk before and then they were sorta just insta-bros
  • Spock and Bones’ relationship was perfect though
  • but that’s because Bones was perfect with everyone
  • oh my god, I’m not even like 20 minutes into this movie
  • if you feel like that sort of thing will ruin your enjoyment: please feel free to ignore my insane ramblings
  • I am just a sad young lady attempting to be a comedian, not a scifi screenwriting genius
  • I love Benedict Cumberbatch. If you know me, you know I love him. I am a fan of his general face area and the things that come out of it since his voice is like butter dripping off a velvet cake made of whiskey.
  • But
  • I’m not sure if I was 100% sold on his villain
  • To be honest, I’m not sure if it was his portrayal or if it was the character
  • I’m willing to bet that it boiled down to an issue with the writing than with Brandywine himself
  • I was down with the whole “I’m a manipulative fucker who is going to use everything you do against you because I am a genius MOOHAHAHAH”
  • but then given his backstory, I was unsure of whether I was supposed to empathize with him or just think he sucked based on principal since (WHOA SPOILER TIMES) he is Khan
  • which I will get into in a minute
  • but because his situation ends up being legitimately shitty and Marcus (or Robocop) was a super douche, I felt like Robocop ended up becoming the true villain of the movie
  • because all Bendyboop wanted was to save his fellow crazypants murderbros
  • and as an audience member, I was sort of like “well, since I didn’t really see or even hear the details of this terrible shit he did, I’m sort of inclined to side with the dude who isn’t an evil version of Robocop, especially since everything Robocop says seems to be suspect and he’s obviously a war-hungry jag”
  • so yeah, I had a hard time buying Bramblewidth as the real villain, even though he spoke with AN EEEEEVIL VOICE
  • and so we come to the Khan thing
  • bros…. I just didn’t see the point
  • here they set up this guy John “I’m Kind Of An Asshole” Harrison with an interesting, complicated backstory where he could have been a misunderstood murder man, but then it was like at the last minute they remembered “shiiiit, we gotta make a real bad guy since the last bad guy was criticized for not being bad enough!” and they just sort of threw Khan in there
  • it really felt like there was no reason for him to be Khan
  • since they skimped so much on the backstory and the characterization of Khan is SO different from the original Khan, it felt like he could have been any of the super-soldier popsicles
  • and then it just made Benedict’s cool performance kind of less cool because fucking Moltoban was a beast
  • it ended up feeling like they shoehorned it in there so they could have Spock melodramatically yell “KHAAAAAAN!” (which, okay, I laughed like an asshole because I was 90% sure Kirk wouldn’t die and also I can’t take dramatic yelling of single words since Revenge of the Sith) and so they could have that conversation with Spock Prime
  • and like I am allll for the sweet Nimoy action
  • but it felt like they could have achieved that another way
  • okay, another criticism!
  • the ladies in this movie
  • Overall, I thought Uhura was treated… fine
  • not great
  • but fine
  • like at the beginning, I was really enjoying her interactions with Kirk and the conflict with Spock because it felt real and emotional and like her not tolerating bullshit
  • and then with the Klingons, I thought she was going to kick ass but then she had to be saved?
  • And then for the rest of the movie she just was kinda… around
  • looking emotional and patching through to signals that didn’t work
  • and, I mean, she helped take out Khan in the end but it felt like they were all “SHIT WE FORGOT ABOUT UHURA UHHHH CRAP, HAVE HER STUN GUN HIM A MILLION TIMES”
  • I dunno, I just love her and I was bummed that she didn’t get to Not Take Shit
  • And that brings us to Blond Lady
  • guys, it took me thirty minutes to figure out she was Robocop’s daughter
  • that’s… not good
  • I honestly forgot who Marcus was (because my brain sucks and also because I think they said his name once for the first part of the movie) and then I 1000% could not figure out whose daughter she was supposed to be for forever
  • probably the most confusing part was that she was British while her dad was American (without any explanation but maybe accents just happen wherever in the future?) and, again, they just sort of… didn’t explain what the deal was
  • and they kept cutting to her being all “EMOOOOOTIONS” and my only response would be to go “dang, that lady whose name I forgot looks sad. That’s… a bummer?” because I didn’t know ANYTHING about her and therefore had no emotional connection
  • like I wanted to give a shit but I was having a hard time
  • and I found myself questioning why she was there and if she was just being placed in scenes for a future romance with Kirk
  • which basically made no sense to me because the person she actually interacted with most was Bones
  • and she did a couple of cool things, I guess, but every moment I thought I’d figured out her point, something would happen to instantly negate that point (like on the ship when I finally realized that Robocop was her daddy, I was like “ohhhhh, so she’ll save everyone” but then NOPE, TRANSPORTED and then again with the missiles I was like “ooooh, she’ll be the only person who can do anything with them without blowing everyone up” but then NOPE, BONES HAS GOT IT)
  • so yeah
  • not too happy about it
  • also, holy gratuitous naked lady, batman
  • at least the first movie was pretty equal opportunity with naked hot people
  • but for this one, it was like “SHE’S NAKED! CARE ABOUT HER!CAAAAAAAARE” but I couldn’t because boobs don’t equal an instant emotional attachment for me
  • but enough of that
  • did I mention that I love Bones yet?
  • his hopeless pick-up lines were as glorious as his sad puppy crying eyes were evil
  • also, every scene with Scotty was the best scene
  • when he was trying to open up that comically tiny door on the comically large hangar, and he was trying to not have to kill that dude it was so sad and great and sad
  • Chekov, you were not given nearly enough screentime, but you took every second to be competent, confused, and adorable so 10 for you
  • Sulu, you rock that captain’s chair and being a creepy sociopath when need be
  • can they just like trot him out every time they need to scare the shit out of someone
  • he just looked so happy while he was threatening people
  • I really did think Robocop worked as a villain. Like I realize I probably wasn’t supposed to want his head to get popped like a grape but when it happened, I was happy because bro was going to blow up the Enterprise after Kirk gave that speech
  • another thing I loved?
  • the dialogue
  • the dialogue was FANTASTIC
  • like I was really worried they were going to go SUPER gritty and suck all of the fun out of it
  • but there were so many moments that made me laugh out loud (mostly McCoy and Scotty because I play favorites but Kirk and Spock had many a shining moment, as did Uhura when she got to do things. Actually, everyone got to have funny moments except for Bandicoot and Robocop)
  • I very quietly screamed “MICKEY!” when Noel Clarke showed up
  • and I liked that they set up the first explosion the way they did
  • it’s hard to have an explosion within the first ten minutes of a movie and have it have any emotional impact without, like, having a small child blow up, and they really achieved the set-up beautifully
  • another thing I was super excited about: MOTHERFUCKING KLINGONS
  • Klingon characters have been some of my favorites from the tv shows, and I legitimately find the progression of Klingon-Starfleet interactions to be interesting
  • Uhura being a badass and just WALKING UP TO A GROUP OF KLINGONS
  • I wish they had gone more into Bootycall Cramblesnatch’s weaponry because that shit was fly
  • like I know the destruction is terrible, loss of life, blah blah blah, but I had a total tech boner for it and I wish they had explained more of it
  • Scotty quitting, my LORD
  • that really broke my heart because he looked so fucking devastated and that’s hard to see happen to such a naturally light-hearted character and Simon Pegg sold the fuck out of it
  • Kirk repairing the core was awful because it made me feel feelings
  • seriously chris pine
  • fuck your witchcraft eyes
  • like I am always a Picard girl but DAMN if C Pine hasn’t made me really like Kirk a stupid amount
  • Kirk and Bones should start a podcast
  • It would be called James Kirk Ruins Everything (I Only Named It That So Bones Would Do This Show)
  • as I told my roommate, I really wish they could do a movie where there’s nothing horrible happening, it’s just the crew being bros and doing shit
  • which is when I realized that I just want a TV show
  • a TV show that already exists
  • it’s called Star Trek

In conclusion: I will most definitely be seeing this movie again. I’m interested in checking out the 3D since I think it has the potential to be BEAUTIFUL and I’d like to have an opportunity to see it without curling up into a stress ball and letting out a high-pitch whine every time something bad happens

….who am I kidding, I’ll always do that

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