Hot Mess Reviews: The Dark Knight Rises

note: hot mess reviews is done “stream of consciousness” style, often immediately after seeing the movie

Finally saw Dark Knight rises

and holy wow, did I like it more than I was expecting

(spoilers from hereon in, obvi)

  • even with the ADR done for Bane’s dialogue, that shit was difficult to understand sometimes (I kept picturing his henchmen all listening to him somberly before finally being like “I am SO sorry man, but I have no fucking idea what you just said”)
  • shockingly, Gordon was also super hard to understand sometimes (ie in the hospital and in JGL’s apartment or whatever when his Harvey Dent tomfoolery is revealed)
  • apparently changing a fusion reactor into a bomb is super fucking easy, not to mention fast
  • MARION YOU WERE EVIL THE WHOLE TIME, HOW COULD YOU
  • sooooo I take it that Ra’s al Gul was trained in the same Jedi ghost magic as Qui-Gon (who later taught it to Obi-Wan) but somehow was able to be not-blue? (I know he wasn’t actually a ghost but instead a vision or whatever but still, USE THE FORCE, BRUCE)
  • okay, it’s cool that Blake is Robin, BUT WHY NOT HAVE HIS NAME BE DICK GRAYSON
  • ROBIN’S NAME IS NOT ROBIN
  • IT IS HIS CODE NAME
  • GOD
  • ALSO IF WE’RE GOING THE WHOLE “ROBIN PICKING UP BATMAN’S MANTLE” BUT NEVER ACTUALLY HAVE HIM GO THROUGH A ROBIN STAGE, THEN HE MIGHT AS WELL BE NAMED DICK GRAYSON
  • BECAUSE ANYONE WHO DOESN’T KNOW THAT DICK GRAYSON IS ROBIN CERTAINLY WON’T KNOW THAT ROBIN BECOMES BATMAN
  • augh
  • anyway, I feel bad for Tom Hardy because really the only acting he could do was with his muscles (DEAR GOD, THE MUSCLES, WHAT WAS EVEN HAPPENING?! THAT SHIT WAS, IN FACT, CRAY) and his *~*~*~eyes~*~*~*
  • Anne Hathaway, you totally pulled it off you coy bitch (also, BUTT BUTT YOUR BUTT LOOKED GREAT! BBBBBUUUUUUTTTTTTTT)
  • so they transfered the crazy fusion man’s blood into that cadaver in order to make everyone think he was dead, right? And why did that other dude stay on the death plane at the beginning? Was it just to show how devoted Bane’s followers were?
  • Also, speaking of Bane, DID A LOWLY SHOT TO THE CHEST SERIOUSLY TAKE HIM OUT WTF
  • HE ACTUALLY HAD PART OF HIS FACE REMOVED BEFORE
  • HE CAN’T DIE THAT EASILY
  • BOOOOOOO
  • also, HOLY BACK-BREAKING, BATMAN! I’m sorry, but I don’t think spines work like that
  • also I thought that pit place was supposed to be dark
  • instead it was just kind of murky and gross
  • there was a lot of sunshine, is what I am saying
  • and TV’s
  • ALSO WHY WAS EVERYONE SO CAVALIER ABOUT THE GODDAMN BOMB AT THE END
  • UHHHH IT IS A BOMB
  • NOT A STUFFED ANIMAL
  • YOU SHOULDN’T DRAG IT AROUND ON THE STREET AND BANG IT INTO SHIT
  • IT IS A MOTHERFUCKING DEATHSPHERE
  • and did the police people just stay in their popo clothes the whole time Bane took over the city?
  • those tunnels must have smelled rank
  • and why did JGL suddenly have a partner?
  • I was under the impression he was a one-man wolfpack
  • he was a loose cannon
  • hothead, if you will
  • but then it was like suddenly everyone on set realized that there were no Asians in the film and were like “HEY STEVE! YOU LOOK VAGUELY CHINESE! WHAT, YOU’RE KOREAN? THAT WORKS TOO”
  • what I’m saying is Gotham seemed super caucasian at times, guys
  • also MAYOR MASCARA NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
  • and GUY TRYING TO STEAL GORDON’S JOB NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
  • and DUDE WHO PLAYS OWEN IN TORCHWOOD NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
  • and SMARMY DOUCHE WHO TRIES TO STEAL WAYNE ENTERPRISES N-
  • ….
  • he sucked so hard oh my god, I was so happy when he died
  • I bet when Cillian came onto set, Nolan was like “NO BAGS ON YOUR HEAD THIS TIME, MURPHY!” and Cillian freeze-framed with his fist held aloft because everyone in this movie gets a bag over the head except for him
  • I really, REALLY enjoyed his stint as Grand High Judge Of CrazyTown
  • I just wish the Joker could have been in it
  • like as the stenographer or something
  • but all he writes over and over again is “BUTTS”
  • anyway
  • man, the army sucked at being the army in this movie
  • why wouldn’t they at least get the national guard up in that biz the moment everyone was like “OH HEY A CRAZY DUDE MAY BE BUILDING A NETWORK OF CRAZY UNDERNEATH OUR CITY BECAUSE, OH RIGHT, HE’S FUCKING CRAZY
  • AND WE DEALT WITH THE SCARECROW
  • AND THE JOKER
  • WE’RE FUCKING EXPERTS ON CRAZY”
  • I liked the twist with Marion (I can’t remember her name, she’s either Marion or MAAAAAAL! to me) and I was stoked that Bane was not, in fact, Ra’s al Gul’s kid
  • I guess that means the Jedi ghost was lying?
  • or Bruce just guessed wrong
  • I mean, can you blame a guy?
  • his vertebra was currently coming out of his back
  • whatever happened to his little helper man who kept tying ropes to various parts of his torso? did he get out when Bruce threw the rope back into the pit?
  • also WHAT THE FUCK DID THAT DOCTOR DO TO BANE’S FACE
  • WHAT SORT OF DEVIL DOCTORING WAS THAT
  • “OH HEY, YOUR FACE LOOKS KINDA ROUGH
  • LET ME ATTACH METAL TO IT AND THEN LIAM NEESON WON’T LET YOU LOVE HIS DAUGHTER”
  • or did Liam Neeson attach the metal to his face as a “thanks for saving my kid which I didn’t do for some reason before because I am the worst father in the universe” gesture?
  • did Bane love Marion even when she was little bald baby Marion? because gross (due to the babyness, not the baldness)
  • I legitimately felt for Bane at the end when his mask was all fucked and he was all snarling like a dog and then gets all teary when Marion helps him
  • POOR STAR-CROSSED CRAZIES
  • and may I just say THANK YOU NOLAN for finally bringing Bruce back for realsies
  • where he was funny and sad and human and not always Batman or Douchy McRichpants
  • because that is the main thing I didn’t like about TDK
  • but he still kept the dumb voice EVEN WHEN HE WAS TALKING TO PEOPLE WHO KNEW HE WAS BRUCE
  • BRUCE
  • YOU DON’T NEED TO DO THAT, BRO
  • YOU’RE GOING TO HURT YOUR LARYNX
  • I KNOW YOUR KNEES ARE FUCKED REAL BAD, BUT YOU GOTTA HAVE SOME THROAT PROBLEMS, DUDE
  • and Bruce got poor, awwwwwww
  • and dear GOD, MICHAEL CAINE
  • DO YOU HAVE A BLACK BELT IN MAKING ME CRY?
  • YOUR OLD MAN TEARS ARE LIKE AN ONION AND LEMON JUICE PUREE BEING SPRAYED DIRECTLY INTO MY EYE SOCKETS
  • YOU ARE A JERK AND A GENTLEMAN
  • and bruce manor got turned into a boys’ home for kids who are sad, awwwww
  • i wish that he had named the institute “MY PARENTS ARE DEEEEAD”
  • and Bruce kept his mom’s pearls, awwwwwwww
  • and Selina came back, awwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww
  • also Batman did his “WHERE IS SHE?!” voice but about the detonator
  • lololololol
  • and Fox got to be badass
  • and wouldn’t a blast that big in the middle of the ocean cause some, er, issues?
  • like some serious wave problems
  • I mean, I think that’s how bombs work
  • I could be wrong
  • but there was a distinct lack of any sort of bomb-related wind or waves or whatever
  • also, was that blond chick Selena’s girlfriend?
  • did she die?
  • what happened to her?
  • was she just a roommate?
  • WHAT HAPPENED TO HER
  • can I just say I really liked catwoman
  • like a lot
  • a lot a lot
  • Bruce liked her apartment, awwwwwwww
  • and her heels were REDONK
  • and her butttttttttttt was as well
  • and she stole his car
  • BURN
  • was that mark on Marion’s back after they had their “MY GIRLFRIEND IS DEAD AND I’M POOR” sex supposed to signify that she was part of the League of Shadows?
  • because if so
  • why didn’t Bruce notice
  • why wouldn’t he be like “huh, that looks famliar”
  • and then she would be like “OH THAT, IT’S NOTHING, I JUST FELL ON THIS THING ONCE, HAHAHAHAHAHAH WHAT?”
  • and why did everyone who came from the same place have wildly different accents?
  • what WAS Bane’s accent, anyway?
  • sometimes he sounded vaguely German
  • but Bane
  • Baaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaane
  • sweet, crazybananapants babyface
  • with your nice crazy eyes
  • and your crazy terror mask
  • and your crazyass muscles
  • and destroying wall street like a crazy person
  • and hitting people with your helmet of cray
  • Bane
  • Baaaaaaaane
  • Baaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaane
  • I probably shouldn’t want to pet his weird bald head and coo at him, should I?
  • what is it with me and psychotic murderers
 
 
I think this review is done
Edit: am I the only one who was super bothered by the fact that everyone was like “WHOA, HANG ON MR JUMPS-TO-CONCLUSIONS!” every time JGL brought up something totally reasonable? He wasn’t saying crazy shit! He wasn’t like “BANE IS OBVIOUSLY IN CAHOOTS WITH THAT RICH DUDE” (even though that also would have been reasonable) he was just pointing out that they should, like, go into tunnels where people have obviously just been kidnapped and/or murdered.

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