Hot Mess Reviews: Space Jam

note: hot mess reviews is done “stream of consciousness” style, often immediately after seeing the movie

Last night, I ate a brownie and watched the movie Space Jam. After I got home, apparently I wrote down my thoughts on the film.

They go as follows (note: I have not edited them since I think there really isn’t any need):

Thoughts On Space Jam

there was a substructure in the core of the earth that leads to another dimension? that are cartoons? Why is MJ so not confused by the fact that he was sucked into this alternate reality? he was so non-plussed. IT IS PLUSSING, MICHAEL

why was thet porno song playing when charles barkley was playing basketball against those teenage girls

why do i keep wanting to call charles barkley gnarls barkley

does that make me racist?

why was the girl bunny so sexy? why is bugs just like “hey. i’m sort of vaguely to rabbit proportions” while jessica rabbit or whatever has to be like ‘MR BOMBASTIC” and her weird sexy bunny hips it was weird I DO NOT LIKE IT

i think every cartoon besides bugs might be gay

like daffy is so fucking sassy

he has a sweet sassafras mouth

and porky is like the shy gay dude and tweedy is a twinkly and daffy is all “oooh girl” and there are other people who also seem gy OH WAIT THAT FUCKING ROOSTER FUCKER

Also why was Wayne Kniht the only human that michael jordan ever interacts with! He gets some bill murray time but the fast majority of his time on set would have involved him, wayne night, and a green screen. NO WONDER THERE WERE SO MANY CLOSE UPS OF THEIR FACES THEY PROBABLY STOPPED BEING ABLT TO BE AROUND EACH OTHER AGTER A WHILE

why was the basketball player’s talen in the actual basketball? is that a basketball ball feature i didn’t know about

WAYNE KNIGHT IS THE LITERAL OPPOSITE OF EVERYTHING MICHAEL JORDEN WHO THOUGHT OF THIS CASTING

why are the aliens cartoons? they aren’t from the loony tunes subterranean alternate universe so why were they cartoons? and why ware their eyes so scary?

do you all a basket ball ball just a ball or do you call it a basketball?“

mj’s arm dislocating and then stretching all the way across the court was horrifying

i was like OH KNOW MICHAEL ARMS DON’T WORK LIKE THAT EW

but more importantly, why was michael jordan AND WAYNE NIGHT not confused by this alternatoon reality

was loony tunes universe like something they already knew about it? and if so, why did they need to be taught that tune things could happen to them without them getting hurt

I WANT TO KNOW HOW THE INTERSECTION OF THESE TWO SOCIETIES WORK

because technically everyone there could be immortal since they can’t die

that’s classism right there if i ever heard it

it ends so abruptly

THERE IS SO MANY PRODUCT PLACEMENETS

WAYNE NIGHT LITERALLY RATTLES A SHITLOAD AT ONE POINT IN A ROW

IT IS MADNESS

NO

THIS

IS

SPACE JAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAM

this film has such a tenuous premise it is redonk

WHY WOULD YOU PLAY BASKETBALL WHEN YOU DON’T KNOW HOW TO USE ANY BASKETBALLS

WHY DID THEY FOCUS SO MUCH ON MICHAEL JORDEN CHEATING ON BASTKETBALL WITH BASEBALL

WHY WAS WAYNE KNIGHT THE ONLY OTHER HUMAN

BILL MURRAY, YOU WERE GRAET

michael jorden’s kids, you had the wooden awkward faces of your father

i need to sleep oh god no space jam dreams please

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