note: hot mess reviews is done “stream of consciousness” style, often immediately after seeing the movie
Last night, I ate a brownie and watched the movie Space Jam. After I got home, apparently I wrote down my thoughts on the film.
They go as follows (note: I have not edited them since I think there really isn’t any need):
Thoughts On Space Jam
there was a substructure in the core of the earth that leads to another dimension? that are cartoons? Why is MJ so not confused by the fact that he was sucked into this alternate reality? he was so non-plussed. IT IS PLUSSING, MICHAEL
why was thet porno song playing when charles barkley was playing basketball against those teenage girls
why do i keep wanting to call charles barkley gnarls barkley
does that make me racist?
why was the girl bunny so sexy? why is bugs just like “hey. i’m sort of vaguely to rabbit proportions” while jessica rabbit or whatever has to be like ‘MR BOMBASTIC” and her weird sexy bunny hips it was weird I DO NOT LIKE IT
i think every cartoon besides bugs might be gay
like daffy is so fucking sassy
he has a sweet sassafras mouth
and porky is like the shy gay dude and tweedy is a twinkly and daffy is all “oooh girl” and there are other people who also seem gy OH WAIT THAT FUCKING ROOSTER FUCKER
Also why was Wayne Kniht the only human that michael jordan ever interacts with! He gets some bill murray time but the fast majority of his time on set would have involved him, wayne night, and a green screen. NO WONDER THERE WERE SO MANY CLOSE UPS OF THEIR FACES THEY PROBABLY STOPPED BEING ABLT TO BE AROUND EACH OTHER AGTER A WHILE
why was the basketball player’s talen in the actual basketball? is that a basketball ball feature i didn’t know about
WAYNE KNIGHT IS THE LITERAL OPPOSITE OF EVERYTHING MICHAEL JORDEN WHO THOUGHT OF THIS CASTING
why are the aliens cartoons? they aren’t from the loony tunes subterranean alternate universe so why were they cartoons? and why ware their eyes so scary?
do you all a basket ball ball just a ball or do you call it a basketball?“
mj’s arm dislocating and then stretching all the way across the court was horrifying
i was like OH KNOW MICHAEL ARMS DON’T WORK LIKE THAT EW
but more importantly, why was michael jordan AND WAYNE NIGHT not confused by this alternatoon reality
was loony tunes universe like something they already knew about it? and if so, why did they need to be taught that tune things could happen to them without them getting hurt
I WANT TO KNOW HOW THE INTERSECTION OF THESE TWO SOCIETIES WORK
because technically everyone there could be immortal since they can’t die
that’s classism right there if i ever heard it
it ends so abruptly
THERE IS SO MANY PRODUCT PLACEMENETS
WAYNE NIGHT LITERALLY RATTLES A SHITLOAD AT ONE POINT IN A ROW
IT IS MADNESS
NO
THIS
IS
SPACE JAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAM
this film has such a tenuous premise it is redonk
WHY WOULD YOU PLAY BASKETBALL WHEN YOU DON’T KNOW HOW TO USE ANY BASKETBALLS
WHY DID THEY FOCUS SO MUCH ON MICHAEL JORDEN CHEATING ON BASTKETBALL WITH BASEBALL
WHY WAS WAYNE KNIGHT THE ONLY OTHER HUMAN
BILL MURRAY, YOU WERE GRAET
michael jorden’s kids, you had the wooden awkward faces of your father
i need to sleep oh god no space jam dreams please
