Hot Mess Reviews: Space Jam

note: hot mess reviews is done “stream of consciousness” style, often immediately after seeing the movie

Last night, I ate a brownie and watched the movie Space Jam. After I got home, apparently I wrote down my thoughts on the film.

They go as follows (note: I have not edited them since I think there really isn’t any need):

Thoughts On Space Jam

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Why White People Suck: #BoycottStarWarsVII

I am one of those nerds who got pretty turned off by Star Wars when the prequels came out (my friend and I had an expensive Millennium Falcon that we co-owned and subsequently sold after The Phantom Menace came out), so I’m no stranger to nerd rage.

But now nerds are taking to twitter to #BoycottStarWarsVII because it is, and I quote, “anti-white.”

harrison-ford,-carrie-fisher,-mark-hamill,-lawrence-kasdan,-kathleen-kennedy,-j.j.-abrams,-chris-hardwick,-oscar-isaac,-domhnall-gleeson,-adam-driver,-gwendoline-christie,-john-boyega-and-daisy-ridley-at-event-of-star-wars--episode-vii-the-

Clearly the casting director hates white people.

Oh no, what are you supposed to do… empathize with a black guy? Pfft. White people shouldn’t have to empathize with anyone except other white people! Asking anything else is ANTI-WHITE AND WE WILL NOT STAND FOR IT.

Fish-faced aliens I can buy, but black people in space? No thanks! It really brings me out of the universe.

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Totally unbelievable.

I want to make something clear: fuck these people. Fuck their lazy entitled whining and fuck their lazy entitled reasoning. Literally every movie in mainstream media is made for white people. You know how I know that? Because movies made for black people always have the addendum: this was made for black people. It’s a black people movie. Much like girl movies aren’t just movies, they’re chick flicks.

So whatever, cry it up, nerd bros. God knows you were fine with them making Khan a white boy in Star Trek Into Darkness (another JJ Abrams venture) even though he was originally portrayed by Ricardo Montalbán and has been alluded to being of fucking Sikh descent.

You’re all bad nerds. Actually, you know what? No. You’re fake nerds. You don’t love the material unless it’s just giving you a big old fan service-y handjob. If you want a sci fi movie starring a white dude, watch literally any other sci fi movie made since the beginning of movies and then go back to trying to learn how to suck your own dicks since it’s probably the only way you’ll do anything productive.

Seriously, dudes. I have farts that have more reasoned opinions than you do but at least I have enough common courtesy to keep them to myself.

Liveblogging Buffy: Season 1, Episodes 10 & 11

(previously on Buffy)

Episode 10: Nightmares

  • 10:30 PM, 4/7/13

I have made an important discovery:

apparently on amazon you can buy 2 lbs of live earthworms

that’s around 1000 earthworms

….which obviously means I could buy 2 lbs of earthworms and anonymously send them to someone

  • 10:32 PM, 4/7/13

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why do I get the feeling that this episode is going to freak me out

  • 10:35 PM, 4/7/13

buffy, I feel like you should 100% not be in this sex dungeon

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(these dark screencaps look like hot garbage so you’ll just have to trust me: she is totally in a weird sex dungeon)

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Hot Mess Reviews: Star Trek Into Darkness

note: hot mess reviews is done “stream of consciousness” style, often immediately after seeing the movie

I decided to write a review of Star Trek even though I am a) SEVERELY sleep-deprived (I’ve had 9 hours of sleep over the past 72 hours) and b) barely capable of writing a coherent review on a good day

but here is the thing no one asked for!

note: there is less gushing herein than I did for Iron Man III because I had some issues with certain character aspects but I fucking loved it nontheless

and another note: THERE ARE SO MANY SPOILERS IN THIS GUYS OH MY GOD

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Why White People Suck: The Black Plague

The Black Plague, as most of us know, decimated Western Europe and killed about 1/3rd of the population in the 1300’s. “How could such a tragedy prove that white people suck?” you may be asking yourself. Well, allow me to elaborate.

The Black Plague (or Bubonic Plague) is a nasty little disease that usually affects rats, but can be spread to humans via fleas. Once you got the plague, most people around you were screwed since we weren’t great at the whole “not spreading disease” thing yet. Now, seeing as rats were the carriers (though to be fair to the rats, it’s the fleas that are the real douches in this scenario), most people with an understanding of cause and effect would go “hey,you know how we have those massive stores of grain and all those rats hang out there and Greg the grain guy was the first person to get sick? Then, like, you know that family that just left their food and shit EVERYWHERE so there were a bunch of rats and then THEY got sick too? Maybe we should kill all those rats*!”

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“No, wait, never mind. I’m not a monster.”

But no. They didn’t identify the rats as the cause of all their gross, bubonic distress. Instead the pinpointed the true enemy:

Cats.

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“I’m praying to the dark lord Beelzebub!”

Cats were already regarded with a lot of suspicion in Europe because, you know, witches. Also, have you met cats? They’re so hard to read! Why they gotta be so moody? Like one minute they’re all “yeah, this petting is hella rad” and then the next they’re biting the shit out of you and escaping your apartment so you have to go searching for them for three hours so your roommate doesn’t flip.

They also tend to hang out where rats live because cats kill rats. It’s kind of their jam – it’s also why cats started hanging around humans. We store food, stored food = vermin, and cats love to eat them some vermin.

But being the geniuses we were back in the “we live in our own shit and throw corpses into drinking water and burn people at the stake for pointing out that this might be stupid” times, we decided that since CATS were around whenever people fell victim to the plague, obviously cats were the cause because cats were “consorts of satan.”

Yep. Cats love the devil, so kill the cats or whatever! It makes sense!

It got so bad that we almost wiped out cats in Europe and, as you can guess, this cat murdering spree caused a spike in black plague rat babies which only made shit worse but did Europeans pay that any mind? Nope. Because… Satan.

Luckily people finally got a bit wise since the cat genocide resulted in a bunch more people dying and they somehow avoided getting called a witch for more than 5 minutes to pinpoint that rats might be the real enemy. People were allowed the have cats again (yes, they were even outlawed at one point because this was an age before the internet) and this helped decrease rat populations.

Of course, we were still dumbasses who didn’t get why throwing dead bodies in our drinking water was stupid but baby steps.

Baby steps.

*the author does not endorse killing rats

Why White People Suck: Thanksgiving

turkey

“I fucking hate this holiday.”

Only white people would pretend that in a history full of exploitation, horror, and murder that something like Thanksgiving represents our relationship with American Indians.

Thanksgiving should really be called “HAPPY SMALLPOX BLANKETS DAY, NATIVE AMERICANS. HOPE YOU LIKE THE DESERT BECAUSE THAT’S WHERE WE’RE SENDING YOU. GOOD LUCK WITH YOUR FUTURE CASINOS.”

Also, our romanticizing of the pilgrims is epically fucked. These people found England not conservative enough. England. The place that invented Colin Firth and all the other tight-lipped British types. The place that couldn’t cry until Princess Di died. That’s hundreds of years of repression. AND THE PILGRIMS THOUGHT IT WASN’T ENOUGH.

Anyway, white people need to stop pretending that Thanksgiving was a happy day and dressing our children up in epically fucked representations of American Indians. Let’s all just eat until we puke and hang out with people we don’t really like. That’s what Thanksgiving is really about.

Why White People Suck: We Couldn’t Come Up With A Numerical System That Wasn’t Completely Useless

You might think that those pretty little numbers on your keyboard are part of your ancestry, whitey, but GUESS WHAT? They aren’t. Not by a long shot.

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Meet the Roman Numerals! Why make separate symbols for numbers when you can just reuse those pesky letters that are just hanging about, being lazy. Especially that X. All it ever does is connotate naughtiness, and even that requires three of them.

But do you see this asinine bullshit? This was the way we white people counted. For years (or at least for years when we COULD count… therefore minus that whole “Dark Ages” time period). It makes no fucking sense. I mean, there’s a reason why no one ever knows what fucking number Super Bowl it is when you see all those X’s and L’s and fucking V’s flash across the screen. It is stupid.

So what did we do? We went on a little jaunt called the Crusades and picked up a new numerical system that wasn’t so ass-backwards stupid. Yes. That’s right. Your precious little numbers are ARABIC and INDIAN and OH NO YOUR DEWEY DECIMAL SYSTEM IS LOOKING PRETTY DAMN ISLAMO-FACIST TO YOU NOW, ISN’T IT?

HistoryOfNumerals

It’s like all the 9’s are suddenly wearing turbans and trying to get on a plane with you, right? ARE YOU AFRAID OF YOUR CALCULATOR YET?

So suck on that, white people. And don’t try to go back to using the Roman numerals or else you’re going to have to start referencing an abacus and no one wants to see that.